There is a battle I will fight for the rest of my life. A war within myself. The very walls of truth I've built around my heart to protect it suffocate the ache that I just can't let God heal.
My head and my heart- they battle.
My brain pleads with me to enter into that Holy of Holies and once again feel protected inside these walls instead of trapped by them. When is it enough?! My head knows it was enough the day that God formed me in my mother's womb.
My heart feels dry and cold and distant and totally raw at the same time.
This desire to be loved. To be known. To be chosen. This desire takes hostage the most willing passerby as my own chains just grow tighter and tighter.
My head yells the truth. You are enough. You are chosen. You are wanted. What can't that be good enough for you? Why can't you just package that up with a bow and pull it out when you need the reminder.
And my heart sags under the weight of my own doings. The pain. The shame. The regret. The grief. It craves surrender.
And then, God is there. As he always is and always will be- whispering his truth in the darkest of dark.
All is quiet. There is peace. Rest. Blessed Assurance.
Until next time.
And please please please remember... whatever wars within you, whatever you battle, God will NEVER leave you.