Have you ever just wanted something so bad you get an achy spot in your chest? Like, you can stake so much emotional weight on it kinda hurts? Sounds a little dramatic, I know, but I am dramatic. And I’m a dreamer. A serial dreamer. My mind and heart conjure up these grand schemes and adventures almost daily and it’s like instant mental and emotional buy in. 100%. Full speed ahead. Something pops in my head and it’s like my sensibility throws itself off a cliff into the “follow your dreams” abyss.
This used to cause me shame but that’s a different blog post. I’ve learned to manage it. I’ve gained enough self awareness to ask myself some pretty serious questions about these dreams. Sometimes the best thing I can do is run straight towards them and if the idea fizzles in about 48 hours (after common sense kicks in), I know it wasn’t a sticky one. But every once in a while, one sticks. And takes root. This constant “dream ache” is usually immediately followed by a whisper of “hahahahaha yeah right. You can’t do that. You’re too________.” Small. Incapable. Messed up. Uneducated. You’re just Jessica. Someone I love and respect said that to me once. You’re just Jessica. The “just” implying all those “too_____” from above. And that has become a narrative that I battle every day. Mostly because I struggle with feeling small. I want to be grand and influential. I want to be bright and impactful. I never want to be “just Jessica”. A year or so ago I heard a scripture verse that BLEW my mind. And I can’t share it with you because that one time I read it, I didn’t write down the reference or highlight it in my Bible or Bible app and I can’t find it to save my life. (But it was there, I promise!) This verse talked about two (believers, apostles, disciples, Israelites…???) who were called to COMMON TASKS. Say what? UGH. Common. Who wants to be common? I don’t! And all these people with big dreams and big assignments in the Bible (besides these two guys from the unknown verse) weren’t common! Then, one day I had a realization. I’m slow. This took a while, but I got there. They were ordinary. And common. And just “_______” … but their God isn’t. So what does that mean for me? It means that I have two jobs- to obey and trust. To consistently and intentionally seek out the voice of God and then follow where it leads. Then trust that if God planted a big dream seed in my heart, being common won’t keep that dream from coming to fruition, because that dream is about God, not me. It’s not about my significance or my ability. It’s about God’s significance and ability. And if I skip my common and try to steal God’s significance and ability (that idea kind of makes me want to laugh out loud yet I do it every stinking day) then the chance of failure is 100%. In fact, common is the most significant when God calls us to it. And when I stop trying to hopscotch my common and land on the bigger and better, I miss out on God taking all his ability and significance and pouring it into me. I miss out on experiencing the blessing of being used by God, the blessing of pouring all of those amazing things out on other people. God’s dreams for me might never be flashy and grand, but if I’m trusting and obeying, then I’ll never be small or insignificant.
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So, I decided to paint my front door. When we moved into the house, the front door was the most basic type of builder grade white you could get. It clashed with the front of our dark brick house and it just made it all look blah. And I hate blah. So, I did a little color palette research and decided on red. For those of you who know me well, you know this is shocking. I don’t use red for anything. But, I decided to be brave and bold so I drove to the store and picked out a color called “Apple A Day”. It’s bright. Like, fire engine red type bright. But it sure will help with the blahs and it will hopefully draw people in! If you’ve ever changed the color of your front door with paint, you know that you don’t just slap a coat on there and go. This is an in for life type of thing. You better commit to this project for a few days or you’ll have results worse than what you started with. This takes 2093402 layers of paint. Today while I was painting away, I had all the doubts. Why did I do this? I should have just left it white. This is a ridiculous color. It’s going to look terrible. Better start thinking of the next color to cover this. How will this ever work? Do I even have enough paint to make this look normal? Can I just leave it how it is and hope no one notices? Then it hit me... This is me. This door is me. In The Message version, Philippians 1:6 says- There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. When the thought hit me that I’m the door, I started thinking about all the things I question about myself. We’ve been in a time of transition for what seems like months and I’m tired and I feel unsteady in the beginning of this season. I don’t feel like I’ve found my solid footings quite yet. I feel like a door with not enough layers of paint. But as I was slathering this paint on God said- I will finish the work. You may feel taped up and half painted now, but I will finish what I have started and it will be a work of art. Oh, I have the choice to leave the door in varying stages of ugly unfinish, but that’s not my ultimate goal and purpose for this door. And that’s not God’s goal for you. God doesn’t want to leave you in your doubt and in your fear- feeling unfinished and with no purpose. He’s not going to start the project and walk away. He calls us to keep walking with him, to continue taking each step arm in arm with him. And some of the best news yet is that when God started with you, there was no question! He has no apprehension about you like I did (and still do!) about my door. When he created you, he knew from the very start exactly what kind of masterpiece you will be. He has no regrets or doubts about you. Keep letting God make you who he wants you to be. Thin layer by thin layer. |
HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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