We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. - 2 Corinthians 10:5
The last few weeks have been filled with mental chaos. A brain filled with a lot of "white noise". Infact, if you were to open my journal, you would see where I've repeatedly asked God to quiet the background noise I feel like I can't get rid of. My emotions are like a sea during a storm and my brain is absorbing the raging winds and crashing waves. And in the middle of all the crazy, these little stabbing pain filled stinging thoughts jump out. *sad thought* Me: Really God? Can't these just stop? *random thought* Me: I'm doing it again. Help me out. *painful thought* Me: Ok, that's just enough. Enough. Enough. Enough. Over the last days, I've come to realize more than ever the battle that plays our in our heads. And hearts. I've learned the importance of being earnest. The importance of taking each and every thought and submitting it to God. Asking for God's truth instead of what my heart wants. Asking for God's guidance instead of following where my emotions are leading me. Honestly, and pardon my frankness, sometimes it sucks! Sometimes I want to sit in my self pity, my hurt, my anger. I don't want God's truth or direction. Infact, doing just that got me to exactly where I am. Sometimes I wonder exactly how frustrated God is with me. I know if I were God (thank heaven I'm not!) I would probably have zapped myself with lightning a dozen or two years ago. The truth is, God answers my hail mary prayers. He answers those cries of frustration and anger and pain. Not only does He answer them- He WANTS them. What?! Yep, I typed that right. God wants those things. He wants us to give those thoughts to Him because He CAN quiet the noise. He CAN ease the pain. He CAN speak His calming truth into my heart. Really the only question I need to answer is... will I let Him?
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It's been a while. A long while.
The truth is sin consumes. It consumes your your mind, your strength, your engergy, your time. I've been consumed. And I didn't want to take the time to put truth out there through this blog because #1 I wasn't believing it myself and #2 I wasn't living it. I could sin, but I would not be a hypocrite. Funny how even though you have good intentions, it doesn't always happen that way. The Lord is redeeming me. My marriage. My children. My life. I would like to share that redemption with you. Some of it. Someday I will be able to lay out my story for you candidly. My goal has been to always be open and honest with you through this blog and I will aim to continue that and be transparent as possible but protect the hearts of those whom I love. Today is supposed to be My Favorites Friday, but quite frankly, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. For those of you who have followed my blog for a while and have read My Wilderness Story, you might be hard pressed to believe me. But I am in the desert again. No, that's not true- I'm actually standing in my kitchen. But, my soul has been dry. There will be no favorites this Friday. But there will be brokeness. There will be forgivness. There will be healing. And there will be redemption. I hope you will stick with me through this time. I'll be here on Monday and I hope you will be too! |
HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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