If there is one thing I've learned in a major way over the last 6 years is that I'm selfish. Extremely selfish. Like, sickeningly selfish. I'm sure if you asked anyone in my life to to tell you the absolute worst thing about me, this is what they would say. I seek to be happy, fulfilled, to have purpose, to be complete. However I can accomplish that for myself, that's what I do. Knowing how this impacts my life on a daily basis, how it impacts my family and my friends, majority of the time I pray this prayer about 23984203984 times a day...
Lord, empty me of myself. I was doing that same thing again today and I got a funny picture in my head. It was like I was a God's little doll but I was filled with water and there was a small plug on the bottom of my foot. This mental picture kind of made me laugh for a minute, but then these words impressed themselves on my heart. Here's what I wrote in my journal... When I lay myself down at the foot of the cross, God opens the plug and I drain out. For a minute I grieve the loss of those things that keep me selfish. The things that make "me". Then I realize that God is beginning to pour new life into me. I am still me. He created me after all, but his life inside of me, I am better. I see with his eyes. I use his hands for the things I do and I use his feet for the places I go. I smile his smile and I love with his love. Before I know it, I can't see me. All I see is who I became after I was emptied of myself and filled with him. And I am happy. I am fulfilled. I have purpose. I am complete. Man how I want that to be true in my life. I want my happiness and fulfillment to come from being filled with him and being like him instead of being like me. I've chased, grabbed, scratched at, and practically stolen things that I thought would bring me happiness and fulfillment. I've turned dead end corners to find purpose. I've made hurtful dangerous decisions to feel complete. Lord, empty me of myself. Fill me with you.
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HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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