Things are just different now.
I'm trying to purpose my life around Christlike quality instead of selfish quantity.
I've known for a few years now that I'm truly the most selfish person I know. Probably because I know me best. But still, selfish all the same. It clouds my vision. I have viewed my marriage, my kids, my calling, my ministry through that cloud.
And then one day I decided I was sick of myself. So I asked God to teach me humility.
Don't do that.
Unless you really want it. Because ask and ye shall receive.
It feels like I jumped the fast train to humble town. And not in a good way.
I feel exposed. My ugly is showing.
They don't make Spanx for selfishness. I can't tuck that mess in anymore. You don't reshape it into something else more attractive looking.
I've learned again that God is gentle. And that he is for me. He WANTS me to become like Him. The pain- I've caused it. Not God. He's not ashamed of me, or mad at me. He's jealous for me. ME. The hot mess, Spanx free, ugliness hangin' out, me.
And suddenly, that becomes enough. That means more than any thoughtfully crafted blog post that everyone loves. That means more than needing attention for affirmation. That means more than performing for approval.
It means more. Because it is more.
Those other things, they never satisfy. When I perform or seek or strive- I just need it more. I always need to do more or be more. But when God becomes enough, I can be still. I can stop striving. I can stand there with my mess hanging out. I can stop chasing. And then there it is. Quality over quantity. My single most desire is for God, and only God. Not heaps of applause or praise. Not recognition. No pats on the back.
Just God. And me. Without my Spanx.