The last few weeks have been filled with mental chaos. A brain filled with a lot of "white noise". Infact, if you were to open my journal, you would see where I've repeatedly asked God to quiet the background noise I feel like I can't get rid of. My emotions are like a sea during a storm and my brain is absorbing the raging winds and crashing waves. And in the middle of all the crazy, these little stabbing pain filled stinging thoughts jump out.
Me: Really God? Can't these just stop?
Me: I'm doing it again. Help me out.
Me: Ok, that's just enough. Enough. Enough. Enough.
Over the last days, I've come to realize more than ever the battle that plays our in our heads. And hearts. I've learned the importance of being earnest. The importance of taking each and every thought and submitting it to God. Asking for God's truth instead of what my heart wants. Asking for God's guidance instead of following where my emotions are leading me.
Honestly, and pardon my frankness, sometimes it sucks!
Sometimes I want to sit in my self pity, my hurt, my anger. I don't want God's truth or direction. Infact, doing just that got me to exactly where I am. Sometimes I wonder exactly how frustrated God is with me. I know if I were God (thank heaven I'm not!) I would probably have zapped myself with lightning a dozen or two years ago.
The truth is, God answers my hail mary prayers. He answers those cries of frustration and anger and pain. Not only does He answer them- He WANTS them. What?! Yep, I typed that right. God wants those things. He wants us to give those thoughts to Him because He CAN quiet the noise. He CAN ease the pain. He CAN speak His calming truth into my heart.
Really the only question I need to answer is... will I let Him?