Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. Most of what I remember is snow. Lots of snow. We found out in late January we were having a girl. We already had a name chosen. Emerson Sharon. Some days she was all that kept me going. I'd stopped asking God for answers. I stopped looking for Him. As far as I was concerned this is what it felt like to be forsaken by God. In my head I knew we weren't, but I chose to believe what my heart was feeling, and that was fear. And anger. This is NOT how my life was supposed to be. This was not the plan.
The last week of February, Aaron got a call for an interview in Indianapolis. He had been applying for jobs in the area we were in in Ohio, near my family in Detroit, and back near his family and our friends in Indy. The call came at 6pm. I refused to have any hope. This wasn't the first interview he'd had and none of those has worked out, so why would this one. They asked if he could come to interview the next day. Eek! We didn't want to turn down the interview, but we were almost 3 hours away. The only thing we could think of was to call up our friends Kara and Landon and ask if we came late that night if they'd put us up for the night so Aaron could go to the interview. They agreed so we packed up and headed out. Aaron interviewed at 10 am. The interview lasted about a half hour then it was done. We grabbed some lunch and hit the road back to Ohio. We'd been on the road for about a half hour when his phone rang. He answered. 10 mins later he hung up his phone with a job. One we knew very little about and one that made very little pay. For the first time in a very long time, I felt a shred of hope. Instead of driving back to Ohio, we called Kara and Landon back and asked if we could stay a few days longer. We searched and searched for an apartment, and 3 days later (with a lot of $$$ from my parents) we had an apartment. We moved from Ohio to Indy the first weekend of March. All of our stuff got moved in with help from so many people, some we hardly knew. That night after all the furniture and boxes were moved in, we closed the door after everyone left and I sat in the bathroom and cried. Maybe God hadn't forsaken us. A month later, we were getting much closer to Emmy coming. Aaron's job was going well, and we'd started attending a new church. In the midst of all the pain, anger, grieft, and fear, I was starting to come back to life little by little. Then Aaron got a phone call. Something we'd never thought of..... Aaron had to meet with the advisory board to renew his ministry license for the next year. And they wanted to talk about the accusations that had been made in North Dakota. That little flame of hope that had been flickering inside me was instantly snuffed out. We went to the meeting a few weeks later. I watched as Aaron walked into the classroom with all those other Pastors to try and defend himself. I wanted to pray but God just seemed too far. At that point, I decided I'd just depend on the prayers of others. I sat on the floor in the hallway and waited until Aaron was done. We drove home in silence. Aaron already knew the outcome and by his silence, so did I. As far as the Church of the Nazarene was concerned, Aaron was no longer a pastor. The plan we'd made for our life, the future we'd hoped and dreamed about was suddenly taken away in a few short minutes. In the middle of the largest city in the state of Indiana, I found myself wandering through the wilderness. Again.
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HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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