As I've had time to process the events of Sunday, which you can read about here, God has used the situation to impress a few truths on my heart and I wanted to share them with you today....
When I was growing up, and until recently actually, I thought God was an all or nothing God. I thought that he expected perfection from me and when I failed, he was beyond disappointed with me and looked at me with disgust. I related to him in that way. I felt that I was constantly letting him down and I would never be good enough for him to love me. Thankfully, I've learned a few things about God, his character, and his grace. But, today, I had a bit of a realization... When I realized that Emerson was going under the water Sunday afternoon, and I was far enough away that I couldn't reach her, I was DESPERATE. There wasn't much of a limit to what I would have done to get her out of that water. There was an instant rush of instinct that shot through me that made me almost crazy with the need to rescue her. Seeing her little hands reached up into the air grabbing for anything to help her, trying to keep her head up so she could breathe was honestly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. Knowing that she was in distress, knowing that she needed me in that instant, was overwhelming. It took my breath away. When I was laying in bed with her last night she told me, "Mommy, I just kept trying to push myself up so I could see you". In her fear, she was trying to keep her eyes on me. She was trying desperately to know that I saw her, that I was coming for her. How I felt yesterday is a minor fraction about how God feels about us. I wasn't standing on the beach thinking Oh Emerson, if you would have just made the right choice and stayed closer to shore, or, Emerson, you disobeyed my words, shame on you, fix your problem. NO WAY! I was thinking... I need to get to my child! I have to save my baby! That's what God thinks about us. God is desperate for us. He's desperate to reach us! He's desperate to save us! In our sin, we are exactly like Emerson was yesterday- head going under, holding our breathe, reaching up hoping someone will come for us. She didn't know she was in danger until it was too late. We run headlong into our sin because it looks fun or appealing. Emmy just wanted to play with the big kids, she didn't realize the danger she was walking herself into. And we get out there too deep, we get stuck and suddenly we're trying to push ourselves up just to see help. Just to try and keep our heads above water long enough, in hopes that someone will save us. Luke 19:10 says- For the Son of Man came to SEEK and to SAVE that which was lost. It doesn't say that Jesus came to stand by and tell us how bad we are because of our sin and shame us for our bad choices, and that we have to fix our problem. Jesus came to SEEK us out. He came to SAVE us. He's desperately loving you, he's coming for you, to pull you up out of the water. He's rushing for you to save you from going under! I wish you could feel my heart in this, the heart of a mother who was almost looking death in the face. The heart of a mother who was mere seconds from losing her child. The heart of a person who got a tiny tiny tiny glimpse at the heart of God- his desperation for us. His jealousy for our hearts. God loves you. God loves you. God loves you. And not only does he love you- he's coming to you. He's reaching out to you. He wants to pull you into the safety of his arms, out of the danger of death. Will you let him do that today? I'm praying that if you don't know how deeply God loves you, that today you will experience even a tiny fraction of the fullness and protection of his love. Because it will blow you away. If I can help you with this in any way, please send me a message or email me. I would love to talk more with you about how much God loves you, how he wants to rescue you. Find a friend, contact a pastor, someone you trust that can help you with this. Because this will change your life! Happy Tuesday!
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When Emerson was a baby, she slept in a pack-n-play next to my side of the bed. At night, I would lay in bed just watching her breathe. I had a deep gripping fear of falling asleep and not being able to help her if something happened. I think I lost more sleep from staying awake out of a fear than I did from her waking through the night. Finally, I got to the point where I would pray a simple prayer every night, sometimes a few times a night, and without fail, I would almost immediately fall asleep at peace. I would pray...
Lord, I know that Emerson is a gift you've given me for only a short time on this earth. She is yours, and I give her back to you. You know my fears and I give those to you as well. Help me to sleep in peace. Amen. Eventually, as Emmy got older, I had less and less fear about something happening to her in the night and I stopped praying that prayer. But yesterday, I was reminded in an instant that Emerson's life is in God's hands, and she is but a fleeting gift to Aaron and I on this earth. I hope fleeting is a long healthy 90 years, but yesterday it almost wasn't. Yesterday afternoon we joined some friends at the beach. The girls love to swim and dig in the sand for shells. The beach was mildly crowded and the kids were playing as usual when Emmy decided that she wanted to go with the big kids out a little deeper. We'd been calling to the big kids all afternoon to come back closer to shore because the smaller ones always wanted to follow. But this time, in an instant, Emmy was gone. Suddenly, the question came- where's Emerson. I started counting all the kids, checking each one off the mental list. Seconds seemed like hours. Suddenly, I realized- there she is. Her little face barely bobbing above the water, struggling to get air, blonde hair disappearing, arms raised up straight, reaching. We all just started yelling, heading into the water. My friend Holly flew into the water instantly and snatched her up. For the rest of my life I will never forget what my baby girl looked like when Holly got her up out of that water. She was awake, and breathing, but given a few more seconds, that would not have been the case. Praise the Lord she is okay. Yesterday, parts of me broke that I didn't even know existed. There are ugly memories I will carry forever. There is a hurt inside me I can't even identify. Guilt. Regret. Fear. And an ever increasing reminder of the fact that life can be over in a blink. But there is also assurance in knowing that no matter what happens, God is still in control. Thankfulness for my daughters life, her health. Gratefulness for friends who jumped into action immediately when I seemed to not even be able to form a thought. As I laid in bed with Emmy last night, not willing to be away from her quite yet, her hair smelled of sunblock and sand. Those two smells mixed together may forever remind me of yesterday. The good and the bad. As I lay there, I found myself praying my prayer again, mostly as a prayer of thankfulness. Because Emerson belongs to God, not me. And he carries her in His hands even when I can't. And for that, I am forever grateful. Hug those you love today. Remember that we are not given a promise of having a tomorrow. And then live in an attitude of gratefulness that God is in control and he carries us every minute of every day. |
HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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