Eventually, the hope is to be able to move onto podcasting in the near future. Let's be honest- talking is a lot easier than typing. Less filter. Less edit. I can get more out in a shorter period of time. And that's what today's post is about- splitting open and letting it out. Today's post is more of a journaling experiment then creating content for a reader, so if that's your deal, read on.
My last blog post was over 3 years ago. That's unreal. It's seems like yesterday and another lifetime. I've lived a lifetime in those 3 years. And along that road I've become angry, cynical, restless. I'm in a season of wrestling. I'm at a crossroads and it's time to make a decision.
I love the mountains. If you've followed this blog for any length of time or have known me for any length of time, you are familiar with my story. My story resembles a long chain of mountains. The highest highs and the lowest lows. At the beginning there were hills and when I was there I thought- uh oh, mountains. But the truth is, there were much higher highs and much lower lows ahead. It has been those lows that have made me think- Is this it, God? Is this you fulfilling your promises? Is this all there is? Is it supposed to end up like this?
I wasn't planning it like this, God.
For a while, these thoughts swirled but I pushed them down. It's like the brewing of a storm when the winds start to pick up and you think- oh, a breeze is nice. You know full well what's ahead, but for the time being you can accept the wind as a nice change of pace. The winds kept blowing and I charted them as doubt, fear- things good Christian girls like me overcome, at at least stuff down. Disappointments, unanswered prayers, deepest desires going unfulfilled- the winds kept picking up. Over the last month, the winds have stopped being a gentle breeze. The storm has arrived and I'm standing in a the middle of a hurricane of frustration with God.
Things were supposed to be different, God!
You were supposed to heal him, God!
I thought you are for us, God? This definitely feels like against us.
I've asked and imagined, God, where is the exceedingly more?
I decided it was probably time to do something about this storm- throw in the towel, let it rage and swallow me whole or face it head on. To stare it down. But, what does that look like? It meant it was time to set aside that anger, cynicism and frustration and face God. It was time to open my bible and demand answers. To journal, to weep, the split open and let out what's been stuffed down. And truthfully, to own my part. To look in the mirror and face the truth.
Two days ago, as I was standing in the choir at church, again wrestling with my doubts, with God, and with the words of the song we were singing, God spoke. It was as if a flip book played out in my mind. God was recalling all of the good and bad that has happened over the last year. All of the small ways He has provided, and loved, and showed up. In an instant I relived all the pain, hurt and anger. And then I saw Jesus hanging on the cross and God said- is this enough?
Am I Enough? If I never answered your prayers how you want, if your life's plans never came to completion, if people die when they shouldn't and you don't want them to, even if I never make sense- Am I enough? Is having me enough?
Here's the thing with wrestling, there comes a point when your opponent pins you to the mat. You fight that with everything in you. You want the upper hand. You want to win. You struggle and fight for freedom against that pin. It's rarely an instant surrender.
And now, God has me pinned. He's pinned me down with the truth of his words to me. I'm faced with a decision- to fight that with everything in me, to continue to struggle for how I want things to be because it's what I think is best. Or does God win? Do I surrender to the fact that God was never supposed to make sense to me because I literally can't make sense of who God is? My limited physical brain can't comprehend. Do I trust that God is really who he says he is, even if it doesn't feel like it? Even when it hurts, even when it makes me angry or frustrates me. Do I face my selfishness and my pride?
I understand now why Jacob had a broken hip when he wrestled with God. I feel like I'm being broken and the scars of this wrestling match will stick with me forever. And for me, that looks like surrender- to give up my will to win this match. To hear the count, and accept that I may never make sense of pain, hurt, frustration, and anger on this side of Heaven. But that's okay because God is enough.