I was laying down with my 3 yr old this afternoon, pretending to sleep,  when I realized how behind I am. Usually, by this point in 2014 (ahem... the last day of the year) I'm more on the ball with what's ahead. I have a theme verse picked out, I have a theme word, and a few goals listed. It has crossed my mind a few times and quickly put in it's place -behind a gazillion other things. Excuses are easy- Baby #3 is coming literally any day, we've been battling the never ending sickness monsters named flu and pneumonia at our house. And along with the festivities of Christmas that have firmly taken their place at the forefront of my mind, goals and themes would just have to wait. But, this afternoon, in the silence, my mind seemed to clear for a minute and suddenly a few thoughts seemed to take shape. 

2014 was a year of transition for our family. We started out the year with a blank canvas. We decided that our life could be what we make it. We started praying for God's will and learned a quick lesson- sometimes God's will isn't writing on the wall. Sometimes God's will is trusting and taking a step without that writing on the wall. And that's exactly what we did. We picked up, moved 200 miles away from where were were living, were shocked to find out we were having surprise baby #3, and we set aside hurt, fear, and bitterness and we embraced and were embraced by some of the most loving people we've ever met. It's been a banner year in my opinion. Free of struggle? Absolutely not. But that's honestly made it all the better. 

My Happy New Year post from last year outlined my theme word for the year, FOCUS, and my theme verse Philippians 1:10. You can read that posthere. It truly was a year of FOCUS for me. The Lord made a stream in the desert for Aaron and I by restoring our ministry. He started revealing part of my calling I'd been questioning for years and I'm now a licensed pastor in the Church of the Nazarene pursing a ministry in Discipleship and Teaching. He's given me the opportunity to FOCUS on being intentional with my life. 2013 was a year of restoration and 2014 was a year of focus.

2015 will be about THRIVING. This year I want to thrive as a wife, mother, friend, daughter, pastor, and leader. I want to thrive spiritually. I want to know God more than I've ever known him. I want to hunger for his presence and I want my prayer life to grow and deepen. I want to take the empty spaces in my life and fill them with God's love for others. I want to help plant roots of Christ likeness and holiness deeper in my own self, my family, and those I have the opportunity to love and minister to. 

I've chosen Psalm 1:2-3 as my theme verse for the year- 

I want this year to be about growing where I'm planted. I want to delight in scripture, I want to bear exceptional fruit in this season of my life. I want my spiritual life to prosper. 

It's easy to think about new years resolutions and goals, but this time, consider what the Lord might be asking of you. Maybe this year instead of doing something, he's asking you to NOT do something. Maybe this year he's asking you to go somewhere instead of committing to making or breaking a habit. Maybe he's asking you to do nothing- to be still- to listen. Be intentional in deciding what you want to commit yourself to this year. God never promises things to be easy, but He always promises himself, and that my friend, is more than enough for 2015!

Happy New Year! 

As I've had time to process the events of Sunday, which you can read about here, God has used the situation to impress a few truths on my heart and I wanted to share them with you today....

When I was growing up, and until recently actually, I thought God was an all or nothing God. I thought that he expected perfection from me and when I failed, he was beyond disappointed with me and looked at me with disgust. I related to him in that way. I felt that I was constantly letting him down and I would never be good enough for him to love me. Thankfully, I've learned a few things about God, his character, and his grace. But, today, I had a bit of a realization... 

When I realized that Emerson was going under the water Sunday afternoon, and I was far enough away that I couldn't reach her, I was DESPERATE.  There wasn't much of a limit to what I would have done to get her out of that water. There was an instant rush of instinct that shot through me that made me almost crazy with the need to rescue her. Seeing her little hands reached up into the air grabbing for anything to help her, trying to keep her head up so she could breathe was honestly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. Knowing that she was in distress, knowing that she needed me in that instant, was overwhelming. It took my breath away. When I was laying in bed with her last night she told me, "Mommy, I just kept trying to push myself up so I could see you". In her fear, she was trying to keep her eyes on me. She was trying desperately to know that I saw her, that I was coming for her. 

How I felt yesterday is a minor fraction about how God feels about us. I wasn't standing on the beach thinking Oh Emerson, if  you would have just made the right choice and stayed closer to shore, or, Emerson, you disobeyed my words, shame on you, fix your problem.  NO WAY! I was thinking... I need to get to my child! I have to save my baby! 

That's what God thinks about us. God is desperate for us. He's desperate to reach us! He's desperate to save us!

In our sin, we are exactly like Emerson was yesterday- head going under, holding our breathe, reaching up hoping someone will come for us. She didn't know she was in danger until it was too late. We run headlong into our sin because it looks fun or appealing. Emmy just wanted to play with the big kids, she didn't realize the danger she was walking herself into. And we get out there too deep, we get stuck and suddenly we're trying to push ourselves up just to see help. Just to try and keep our heads above water long enough, in hopes that someone will save us. 

Luke 19:10 says- For the Son of Man came to SEEK and to SAVE that which was lost. 

It doesn't say that Jesus came to stand by and tell us how bad we are because of our sin and shame us for our bad choices, and that we have to fix our problem. Jesus came to SEEK us out. He came to SAVE us. He's desperately loving you, he's coming for you, to pull you up out of the water. He's rushing for you to save you from going under! 

I wish you could feel my heart in this, the heart of a mother who was almost looking death in the face. The heart of a mother who was mere seconds from losing her child. The heart of a person who got a tiny tiny tiny glimpse at the heart of God- his desperation for us. His jealousy for our hearts. 

God loves you. God loves you. God loves you. 

And not only does he love you-  he's coming to you. He's reaching out to you. He wants to pull you into the safety of his arms, out of the danger of death. Will you let him do that today? I'm praying that if you don't know how deeply God loves you, that today you will experience even a tiny fraction of the fullness and protection of his love. Because it will blow you away. If I can help you with this in any way, please send me a message or email me. I would love to talk more with you about how much God loves you, how he wants to rescue you. Find a friend, contact a pastor, someone you trust that can help you with this. Because this will change your life! 

Happy Tuesday! 

When Emerson was a baby, she slept in a pack-n-play next to my side of the bed. At night, I would lay in bed just watching her breathe. I had a deep gripping fear of falling asleep and not being able to help her if something happened. I think I lost more sleep from staying awake out of a fear than I did from her waking through the night. Finally, I got to the point where I would pray a simple prayer every night, sometimes a few times a night, and without fail, I would almost immediately fall asleep at peace. I would pray...

Lord, I know that Emerson is a gift you've given me for only a short time on this earth. She is yours, and I give her back to you. You know my fears and I give those to you as well. Help me to sleep in peace. Amen. 

Eventually, as Emmy got older, I had less and less fear about something happening to her in the night and I stopped praying that prayer. But yesterday, I was reminded in an instant that Emerson's life is in God's hands, and she is but a fleeting gift to Aaron and I on this earth. I hope fleeting is a long healthy 90 years, but yesterday it almost wasn't.

Yesterday afternoon we joined some friends at the beach. The girls love to swim and dig in the sand for shells.  The beach was mildly crowded and the kids were playing as usual when Emmy decided that she wanted to go with the big kids out a little deeper. We'd been calling to the big kids all afternoon to come back closer to shore because the smaller ones always wanted to follow. But this time, in an instant, Emmy was gone. Suddenly, the question came- where's Emerson. I started counting all the kids, checking each one off the mental list. Seconds seemed like hours. Suddenly, I realized- there she is. Her little face barely bobbing above the water, struggling to get air, blonde hair disappearing, arms raised up straight, reaching. We all just started yelling, heading into the water. My friend Holly flew into the water instantly and snatched her up. For the rest of my life I will never forget what my baby girl looked like when Holly got her up out of that water. She was awake, and breathing, but given a few more seconds, that would not have been the case. Praise the Lord she is okay. 

Yesterday, parts of me broke that I didn't even know existed. There are ugly memories I will carry forever. There is a hurt inside me I can't even identify. Guilt. Regret. Fear. And an ever increasing reminder of the fact that life can be over in a blink. 

But there is also assurance in knowing that no matter what happens, God is still in control. Thankfulness for my daughters life, her health. Gratefulness for friends who jumped into action immediately when I seemed to not even be able to form a thought. 

As I laid in bed with Emmy last night, not willing to be away from her quite yet, her hair smelled of sunblock and sand. Those two smells mixed together may forever remind me of yesterday. The good and the bad. As I lay there, I found myself praying my prayer again, mostly as a prayer of thankfulness. Because Emerson belongs to God, not me. And he carries her in His hands even when I can't. And for that, I am forever grateful. 

Hug those you love today. Remember that we are not given a promise of having a tomorrow. And then live in an attitude of gratefulness that God is in control and he carries us every minute of every day. 

Wow! I almost feel like a different person since the last time I blogged. So much has been going on that blogging has taken a major backseat. About 5 weeks ago, we moved from our home in Indianapolis to a new home in Angola, IN. And the week before we moved, we were all shocked to find out I am expecting our third child. So, I've spent the last 5 weeks trying to unpack, make our house look and feel like home, all between being sick and being more sick. Although, thankfully, I'm not suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum like I did with my first two.  Well, at least not to the same extent. I'm 10 weeks today, so I'm hoping to turn a corner here in the next few weeks. 

The Lord really laid things out for us with this move. His path was clear. And somehow I assumed that because of that, it would instantly be like putting on an old comfortable sweatshirt. But it's change. It's transition. It hasn't been as easy or as comfortable as I imagined. Our new house doesn't always feel like home. Being sick from pregnancy has really thrown a wrench in all my getting out and meeting new friends plan. It's been lonely. Aaron's work at the post office here has been different, our finances have stretched even more. I've questioned God. But in all of it, there is a peace. A peace in knowing that God knows what he's doing. Even when I don't. 

Thankfully, we found a church that has opened their arms to us. We love them all already. We are so thankful for that. It has made our transition easier. But there is always a little fear in me. Fear at knowing that what they see is all they know. They have never heard our testimony. They don't know our story. They don't know the road we've walked. But, I can't deny God's hand in our involvement with them. And knowing what I already know, I'm hard pressed to believe that Aaron and I will be defined by our past. And this is where I, again, have to choose to believe that God's redemption is stronger and more powerful than any thing we feel defines us. 

I'm hoping to get back to blogging as much as I can. It may be spotty until things level out a little. But, I miss you guys! I miss sharing my heart with you and I miss sharing what God is teaching me. How God's stretching me. Blogging has become part of me and I love connecting with you all. So, I won't be putting it off for much longer hopefully! 

Happy Tuesday! 

The current Bible study I'm doing,Brave by Angela Thomas, has a chapter about being undisciplined. I think it's a chapter that most anyone can relate to. I don't believe there is a single person whose disciplined in every area of their life. It was a chapter that really struck a chord with me, and when I completed that chapter, I sat down and made a list of 7 things that I can do during the day that will help with keeping my home and sanity in tact. I've been doing them for a few weeks now and I wanted to share them with you today. 

1. Jesus

Our first step, thought, action, etc should always be Jesus. Ok, I'll admit that when I open my eyes in the morning my first thought isn't about Jesus. It's usually- did I wake up before the girls. But, once I collect myself a little, I always try and pray for a few minutes. I find my courage and commit my day to God. I pray for His will to be done during the day and if that means rearranging my schedule, then so be it. When I skip this step, I usually do not have a good productive day. 

2. Start Early

I'm not a morning person. I've finally embraced this. I'm not the type of mom who's up before the kids, dressed, fed, and ready to go when their feet hit the floor. And that's ok. There are lots of women out there that can do that and it works well for them. It doesn't for me. But, once I'm up and going with the girls, I kill my day if I sit down right after breakfast is over. Because then I stay sitting and nothing gets done. I start on my to do list as soon as breakfast is over or as soon as we get home from dropping off at school. It gets the momentum going and I accomplish more. 

3. The 10 o'clock Rule

I saw this idea on another blog, and for the life of me, I have no idea which blog it was. (if you know, tell me and I'll credit this idea). If you menu plan like me, this isn't very hard to do. It's just simply knowing exactly what's for dinner by 10 am. When you do this, there's no surprises at 5pm when the meat is still frozen or you're missing a key ingredient. 

Also, if you're a working mom, or doing weight watchers, or counting calories, or really just want to take the stress out, I would say do this at 10pm the night before. Plan exactly what your meals will be for the next day and have things prepped and ready to go. If you pack your lunch for work or the kids lunch for school, have them partially packed and ready to go for the AM. 

4. Write Stuff Down

Yes, it's true. I feel so discombobulated  when I know I was supposed to be doing or remember something but I have no idea what it was because I didn't write it down somewhere. I have a smartphone, but I'm an old school type of person. I have a good ole paper student planner that I use daily. But, if that's not your style, use your calendar on your phone, make notes, use smoke signals. Do something. Just write stuff down. 

5. Have a Flexible Schedule

We're semi scheduled during the school year just because of Emmy's school schedule. She goes to school 3 days a week, so we plan around that. But, normally we know that Wednesday is also Library day and Friday is grocery day. I schedule specific things on specific days so that life just runs more smoothly. I plan on doing this during our summer break too. Certain days will be different things- water day, library day, beach day, etc. A routine like this helps my girls too. They know exactly what's going to happen and when. Obviously, don't pin yourself down so much that you create stress with rigidity. If you have to switch things up, no big deal. This is life. It's fluid and not perfect. 

6. Schedule Downtime in Your Day

From 1pm-2pm there's a good chance I'm sitting in our big brown chair in the living room drinking a cup of coffee. And doing nothing except Facebook, Pinterest, or reading a book. And ya know what? That's ok. That hour and cup of coffee help me reset for the afternoon. If I take that hour to refresh then I'm good to go for the rest of the day. If your day is scheduled, work in some downtime. A few days a week I use this time as "quiet time" for my girls. I have specific toys, books, puzzles they only see during quiet time. Emmy uses this time to work on writing her letters or "homework" from school and Macie normally colors or looks at books. If I haven't worked it in earlier in the day, I use this time for my Bible study time. 

7. Clean your "stress space" before bed. 

I HATE going to bed with a sink of dishes. My morning just runs so much more smooth when I come into a clean kitchen. When I'm trying to pull myself together for the day, it starts me off on the wrong foot when I walk into dirty clutter. So, I've been trying to make a point to get the dishes washed, the counters clear and clean, laundry off the floor (my laundry is in my kitchen), and my floors swept before I head to bed. Makes a big difference in the way my next day starts. 

Well, there ya have it. 7 things I do to help my most undisciplined life run more smoothly. Although, I don't want to leave this unsaid- 

There are areas of our life that may perhaps always be undisciplined. And discipline looks different for every person on the planet. But don't let the important things go. God gives us his strength and ability to conquer our undisciplined areas if we commit them to him. And it takes practice. We can't wake up in the morning, tell God we went to be disciplined and suddenly we are. It takes work and intention. And it's hard. But don't bypass it because it's hard. Take God's help and get victory over those areas. And I'm right there with ya. 

Happy Tuesday! 

Wow, it's been almost a month since I posted last. Time goes by so quickly. I've worked out a bit of a schedule and got some "blog office hours" ironed out. So, hopefully, soon I'll be able to get back to a normal posting routine. Anyways, I have a few minutes now and I wanted to put down a few thoughts I've had. Realizations, I guess. 

The last few months have been a roller coaster, to say the least. Change, change, and more change coming. We're still in the process of moving somewhere. Our lease will be up at our current home in a month, and we're moving somewhere. Just not quite sure where that might be yet. We've got plan A and plan B, we're just waiting and trusting as God opens doors in His time. 

I've admitted openly on this blog that I've got serious issues with the virtue of patience. It's probably one of the biggest spiritual issue I have. It's a battle I fight constantly. When something doesn't happen RIGHT NOW I start faltering in the area of trust. When I falter in trust, my hope starts slipping. Then doubt creeps in. But as I dig more and more into scripture and as I come to know God's character more and more I've realized something- God is still on his throne. My mantra has become... Yes, but we've lived. 

Over the last year, we've been through periods of weeks with, literally, pennies to our name. Sometimes less. Yet, we've made it through each and every time. Aaron's health has been compromised over and over through injuries and accidents, but the Lord has spared him from very serious injury each time. We've been surprised by things that have changed the course of our life, yet it's turned out to be a blessing. 

Why? Because God is still on his throne. I've learned not to be so short sighted. I know there is a bigger picture. I can't see it yet. I don't want to see it honestly. 10 years ago, had I know what lay ahead for us I probably would have opted out. But, I've learned that God is sovereign. 

That's a big word. Sometimes it can be kind of scary, especially if you haven't grown up in the church or don't know the "lingo". But, I've learned that it simply means that God is in control. Always. And because of that, He's never once led my family to ruin. He's never led me to ruin. Yes, there have been times of deep disappointment, times of loss or grief, and even a little humiliation. But because I'm realizing that nothing that happens to us takes away God's control and authority over my life, I'm living in less and less fear. Fear of the future, of where we'll live, where Aaron will work, how our bills will get paid. 

Because God loves me. Because He is good. Because He's in control. 

I've learned that I am a doubter. When I'm in the thick of things, my natural tendency is to doubt God instead of press into him and trust him even more. But, as life happens, I'm learning this lesson. So, I challenge you with this today-

It's never too late to start learning something new about God. If you struggle with doubting Him, doubting his promises, living in fear, decide today to choose to believe. For me, sometimes it is a minute by minute thing. Some days are easier than others. Open your Bible and find a verse that helps you believe God and encourages you. Press into him and remember- God is still on the throne. Nothing you or anyone or anything else can change his control over your life. 

Happy Monday! 

First of all, I want to take a minute to thank you all so much for your love and support. My last post was my most viewed post of all time. Either that means y'all like other people's drama or we just have lots of folks who love and care about us. I know it's the latter. We've received so many messages of encouragement, and we truly appreciate them. 

Ok, now on to the important stuff! It's going to be 65 degrees in Indy today. 65 DEGREES! I was losing hope that it was possible. Although, we are supposed to get snow tomorrow, but hey, let's just live in the current 65 degree moment. 

I'm so thinking spring. I'm ready. I know most folks are ready. This winter was brutal. I'm not doing any spring decorating because we're going to start packing and that's a bit counterproductive. I never posted a picture of my Valentine's Mantle because, well, it was a tad sub par and incomplete. Cute, but perhaps not blog post worthy. I kind of threw things together and included a few DIY projects that didn't quite turn out how I'd hoped and I wanted to add more and never got around to it. But, alas, I don't want to cheat you out the experience of viewing the mantle, so... here it is. And yes, I took this picture this morning because it's all still up.

Alright, so now that that's over with, let's get on with things. SPRING! It's right around the corner and I'm so ready. I love watching trees bloom and flower blossom. The grass turning green. It's all spectacular and such a reminder of the newness that comes with the changing of seasons. A perfect picture of God's grace. Since I wont' be doing much spring decorating of my own, I figured that I'd share a few of the my favorite spring decorations from other blogs. 

I'm LOVING this wreath from 320 Sycamore! Very fun! I love lemons and this is perfect for spring and a classy addition to your front door. And it seems easy enough to make. 

How cute are the DIY mason jar candle holders from FellowFellow?! If I was doing a spring mantle, I'd include something like this! 

This vintage inspired spring mantle from Home Stories A to Z is breathtaking. I wish I had the space to create a mantle like this! The cool colors are calming and it represents Spring so well. 

This centerpiece from Hymns & Verses is brilliant. And stunning. It would be the perfect centerpiece for any spring event or just your coffee table. I think it would be pretty with Lilies of the Valley for Easter as well. 

Are you in the mood for spring decorating?! I know I am. If you're enjoying the warm weather today and preparing for snow tomorrow just remember, this too shall pass! Spring is coming! 

Happy Tuesday!

This is one of those posts I'm not exactly positive how to start. I've been praying about it and lots of things have come to mind, it's just a matter of ordering my thoughts. Please hang with me, it might be a bit long.

On Saturday, Aaron and I found out that the local leaders of our denomination had decided not to renew Aaron's license as a pastor in the church. There's lots of technical stuff that I won't bore you with, but basically he was given the choice to start the 4 yr ordination licensing process over again for the 3rd time (you can read a little bit about that here, here, here, andhere.) or do nothing. After much prayer and discussion, we've decided that we'll be stepping away from ministry all together and not starting the licensing process over at this time. 

We've purposed to be intentional in praying for God's will in our life. We've been praying that God would open and close doors for us, whether that be in ministry, for moving, for our girls, for pretty much everything. Our desire is that God's will is accomplished in and through our lives. But, we've been praying this within the scope of our daily lives. We knew that we're coming up on big decisions about moving, and Emmy starting school, and we've been praying for God to lead us into a (non bivocational) full time ministry position. When we prayed for God to open and close doors in ministry, we never dreamed that it would be moving us out of ministry completely. 

I must admit that over the last few days I've swung on the pendulum of emotion. I've been angry, and sad, and felt betrayed. I've grieved for my husband, and I've grieved for our vocational ministry. But, I've also rejoiced in the fact that I trust in a God who has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. 

As we sat down to sort through all of our emotions and refocus our prayers, an over arching theme started to present itself to us- freedom. Not freedom in the sense of we're escaping from something bad, but that for the first time since we've been married, we're not tied to a full time ministry position or the requirements of ordination in the church. We don't have to be here or there for any specific purpose unless the Lord leads us. 

And right now, that "freedom" has lead us to the decision to relocate. We knew that we were moving anyways, but now our scope is just currently a little different. We're working on a very fast timeline, about 70ish days, but we're hoping to make a move in late May up to northern Indiana/northwest Ohio. It's something that we've talked about for a very long time, but until now, we've been tied to our obligations here through church. It hasn't been an easy decision though, as it would be moving away from what we've known. Living here in Indy is all my girls know. We have family here, we love the church we attend. The members have become extended family. And it's hard making a move to what seems to be nothing. No friends, no church, right now no job, no home. But we know that God is faithful. We've learned by now that our ways are not God's ways, so we're confident in the fact that if this change doesn't happen in "our" timeline, remaining here in Indy is ok too- it's our work in progress plan B. 

And we know that God is not done with us. As we were laying in bed a few nights ago, Aaron knew I was battling sadness and frustration. He grabbed my hand and reminded me that ministry isn't limited to a full time position. It isn't a title that someone has. It's an attitude of the heart. And we can do it anywhere, at any time. I know that. In my heart of hearts I know that. But, it doesn't change the little bit of a painful ache I have over knowing that right now, our life in full time (bi)vocational ministry is on hold indefinitely. But, I know the calling that God has placed on our lives. I know and experience daily the passion Aaron has for teenagers coming to know the Lord.

I trust God's character. Even right now when I feel broken and we're being emptied. Because I know that God is working all things together for his good. For his purposes. We would appreciate your prayers during this time of transition. We'd appreciate understanding in our moments of grief. We hope that you can rejoice with us as we start this new chapter of our lives. I'll be blogging as I can and want to be able to continue to share how God's revealing himself to us. I love you guys and pray for you daily. Thank you for all the love and support you've given over the  last 2 years! 

Months ago, my Pastor, said something during one of his messages that instantly struck me. In fact, on the way home from church I created a pin with the phrase. But, at the time it was one of those phrases that seemed wise and insightful, but it didn't necessarily apply to my life.

Now, 8 months later, it's a phrase that's defining my life. But we'll come back to that.

I don't feel much purpose right now. I'm a wife. A mother. Sometimes I'm a blogger. There is purpose in that. Endless purpose. But I know that God has also given me gifts and talents that are to be used outside my home and this computer screen. I know my calling. But right now, my calling feels like a deflated balloon. To refrain from being too cliche, purpose is the wind to the callings' sail and this ship is heading nowhere fast.

But the truth remains.

However far away I feel from my purpose, I know that the things God is leading me to and through, and away from are not meant to hurt me. Does this mean I won't feel pain? No, absolutely not. But they will not lead me to ruin. There's a difference. Pain and ruin are two very different things. And some days I forget that. The disciples thought God led Jesus to ruin by leading him to death on the cross. But, God proved otherwise. Jesus' pain didn't lead to ruin, it led to life. 

Now back to that phrase...

The selfish side of me is tired of giving. I'm tired of giving the things God is asking for. I'm tired of walking face first into the doors he's closed. But then I'm reminded of the fact that this is what I prayed for. I prayed to become more like Christ. I've prayed to become the reflection of Jesus. That means giving. That means trusting even when things don't make sense. That means knowing that God works things together for good because he loves me. The doors he's closing, the things he's taking, the empty places he's leaving behind-

They really ARE meant to make me more like him. 
They really ARE meant to lead me farther down the path towards good.
They really ARE meant to fill me with his purposes. 
They really ARE meant to lead me toward life. 

If you are like me, you confuse pain with ruin but you might also confuse emptiness with nothingness. Doors closing, paths changing, forking, losing what's important to you- that's not nothingness. That's emptiness. That's not ruin. That's God making room for more of himself. We have to be empty before we can be filled with His purpose. Our purposes may seem good, and right, and righteous, and valiant. And that's why losing them can be so hard. But this is when I trust that losing what I hold onto means that God is bringing about his best. Even if that means pain. Even if it means having empty hands. 

So, right now, I'm learning to be thankful for pain. For emptiness. Because God is not leading me to nothingness and ruin. He's leading me to purpose and life. Hopefully, in 60 years I'll be sitting on my (wrap around) front porch rocking on my rocker, reflecting on my walk with the Lord and I'll think of this time in my life as when God pulled the plug on the drain of my purposes. And I'm confident in the fact that it will be a pleasant thought. Yes, I might remember the pain, but I'll be quickly blinded by the memories of good as well. I'm remember the emptiness, but immediately recall being filled with his purpose.  

I'm excited for that day. 

I kind of remember who those people thought they were. Young. In love. Unstoppable. But we're not those people anymore.

And I'm so thankful we're not. 

We are these people. More gray. A few extra pounds. Wrinkles. Broken. Beaten. 

Forgiven. Healed. Renewed. Loved. 

Had you told that girl in that white dress exactly what she was in for, she would have stood up from that alter and walked away without blinking. And she would have never looked back. 

She wasn't signing up for the fights, and the skewed unrealistic expectations, the 25+ weeks of constant "morning sickness", twice. She wasn't signing up for being betrayed, or betraying. She wasn't signing up for moving cross country twice in 6 months under painful, stressful circumstances. She wasn't signing up for debt, for kids crawling into 90% of the bed at 3 am, or stone cold marriage silence.  

She didn't know about any of that. But she also didn't know that she was signing up for a lifetime with a man who would stand by her during those selfish rages, the nights (and days) of laying on the bathroom floor, or hospital bed, experiencing the "joys" of pregnancy. The man who would hold her hand and say, "It's ok. It's all going to be ok." and mean it. A man who would love her even when she pushed him to the edge of their marriage. A man who would be the physical embodiment of God's love for the church. 

I'm blessed. Beyond words. 

I love you, Aaron. Happy Valentine's Day. I'm glad we're us. 

P.S. You can read some of our story (at least my side) here, here, and here.