Have you ever just wanted something so bad you get an achy spot in your chest? Like, you can stake so much emotional weight on it kinda hurts? Sounds a little dramatic, I know, but I am dramatic. And I’m a dreamer. A serial dreamer. My mind and heart conjure up these grand schemes and adventures almost daily and it’s like instant mental and emotional buy in. 100%. Full speed ahead. Something pops in my head and it’s like my sensibility throws itself off a cliff into the “follow your dreams” abyss.
This used to cause me shame but that’s a different blog post. I’ve learned to manage it. I’ve gained enough self awareness to ask myself some pretty serious questions about these dreams. Sometimes the best thing I can do is run straight towards them and if the idea fizzles in about 48 hours (after common sense kicks in), I know it wasn’t a sticky one. But every once in a while, one sticks. And takes root. This constant “dream ache” is usually immediately followed by a whisper of “hahahahaha yeah right. You can’t do that. You’re too________.” Small. Incapable. Messed up. Uneducated. You’re just Jessica. Someone I love and respect said that to me once. You’re just Jessica. The “just” implying all those “too_____” from above. And that has become a narrative that I battle every day. Mostly because I struggle with feeling small. I want to be grand and influential. I want to be bright and impactful. I never want to be “just Jessica”. A year or so ago I heard a scripture verse that BLEW my mind. And I can’t share it with you because that one time I read it, I didn’t write down the reference or highlight it in my Bible or Bible app and I can’t find it to save my life. (But it was there, I promise!) This verse talked about two (believers, apostles, disciples, Israelites…???) who were called to COMMON TASKS. Say what? UGH. Common. Who wants to be common? I don’t! And all these people with big dreams and big assignments in the Bible (besides these two guys from the unknown verse) weren’t common! Then, one day I had a realization. I’m slow. This took a while, but I got there. They were ordinary. And common. And just “_______” … but their God isn’t. So what does that mean for me? It means that I have two jobs- to obey and trust. To consistently and intentionally seek out the voice of God and then follow where it leads. Then trust that if God planted a big dream seed in my heart, being common won’t keep that dream from coming to fruition, because that dream is about God, not me. It’s not about my significance or my ability. It’s about God’s significance and ability. And if I skip my common and try to steal God’s significance and ability (that idea kind of makes me want to laugh out loud yet I do it every stinking day) then the chance of failure is 100%. In fact, common is the most significant when God calls us to it. And when I stop trying to hopscotch my common and land on the bigger and better, I miss out on God taking all his ability and significance and pouring it into me. I miss out on experiencing the blessing of being used by God, the blessing of pouring all of those amazing things out on other people. God’s dreams for me might never be flashy and grand, but if I’m trusting and obeying, then I’ll never be small or insignificant.
1 Comment
Pam (Mom)
8/17/2021 04:06:38 pm
Jessica, you have never been just Jessica! You are an amazing woman and Mom, talented and open. Love you lots.
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HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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