Ian serving in India in 2006. Today I'm so happy to welcome Ian Simkins as a guest blogger on Definitely.Maybe. I've had the privilege of knowing Ian for a little over 14 years. I'm proud to call him friend! He's currently the Lead Pastor at Poplar Creek Church in Bartlett, Illinois. He maintains his own blog and I always enjoy reading what is on his heart. I'm so glad he agreed to share some of that with us today! The year was 1993. I was ten years old, cleaning up my filthy room when I spotted my younger in the backyard. He was doing something quite peculiar, so being the good big brother that I was – I went to investigate. As I entered the backyard I realized that my initial assessment was indeed correct – standing in the middle of the yard, holding an old broomstick under his tookus, my 8 year-old brother was trying to lift himself – up off the ground. I chuckled and asked what he was doing, and with an assertive pre-teen grunt he proclaimed, “I’m going to lift myself – straight up off the ground!” As I tried to explain to my determined kin the basic principles of gravity, he only interrupted with more fervor than before and shouted, “But if I try hard enough – I could do it!” continuing to struggle with his broom. Years later I was thinking about that story and how often I do that exact same thing to God. The empty tomb of Christ proclaims with blistering finality “it is finished” and yet I insist on spending countless hours trying to rack up enough points, clean myself off, and lift my own body off the ground, so to speak. I think that misunderstanding is central to why I spent so many years distant from God. I knew a lot of things about God, but didn’t really know him personally at all. I was a God stalker – Jesus paparazzi – content to study God from a distance without any real intimacy or closeness. I was like the church in Revelation 2 that was doing a lot of “good things” but doing them apart from my first love – a mistake that this church is told to repent of. Repent. Isn’t that wild? The only times I ever see the word “repent” used in Scripture is in reference to sin. Apparently God takes seriously when we simply do “good things” apart from communion with Him. Because God never intended for us to do for Him without also doing with Him. And at some point in my young adulthood this idea hit me like a ton of bricks – ministry is a terrible replacement for intimacy. And what the God of the universe desires more than any amount of service I can do for him, he longs to be in relationship with me. This ultimately meant that I desperately needed the Holy Spirit to teach me to rethink what I thought to be true about God and how He pursues us. To understand God, not as one who is annoyed with me, waiting for me to grow up or get my act together – but one who invites me to share in His joy. Isaiah 55:1-3 gives this beautiful picture of a Creator that says, “Are you jacked up, falling apart, weighed down? Get in here! I have so much to share with you. What this means is that the purpose of prayer is not to become a better prayer – but to know the Father’s heart, to delight in His goodness, to confess and proclaiming that we’re opting out of the rat race of trying to be good enough and accepting the righteousness that is given to us in Jesus Christ. The cross liberates us from the illusion that we’re responsible for our own righteousness. When we understand the scandalous truth of the Gospel, we can move from mere discipline into delight – because we run to what we delight in, right? No one has to coerce us to do what we already love to do. And the beauty is that delight doesn’t replace discipline – it empowers it! As our affection for Christ deepens, as our awareness of just how much we’ve been forgiven of grows – we will find ourselves caught up in the song of the redeemed. And in prayer we retune our instruments to join in the chorus. As one brilliant Franciscan friar once said, “Prayer is not primarily saying words or thinking thoughts. It is, rather, a stance. It’s a way of living in the Presence.” – Richard Rohr And like all relationships, sometimes prayer and intimacy are difficult – very difficult. But it’s in those moments that we can once again confess the frustrations that God already knows, ask for His help, and trust in the power of the Holy Spirit who interceded on our behalf – even when we don’t have the words to say (Romans 8:26). When we breathe in the truth of His grace and say yes to the open tomb, we’ll awaken to a song – the song- that we simply cannot help but sing. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” -James 4:8
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Well, today was supposed to start my new monthly feature- How To Tuesday. But, it's not ready. So, that'll be up next week. I don't have a whole lot to say today, but I wanted to share the truth of this with you... I'm trying to have a bigger picture mindset. Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in what's happening on a daily basis, the crisis, the frustrations of my life. If we remember that God has a plan for our lives that isn't defined by the craziness of our day, then I think those crazy moments will be easier for us to handle! photo credit, here.
I hope everyone had a great weekend! I spent my weekend cuddling with this sick little bug. Turns out what we thought was a UTI was actually the beginning of the tummy bug. With exception of a slight fever, she seems to be back to normal today. It's sunny and warm (in winters terms) today here in Indy. Gives me hope spring is coming! As I was planning my menu for this week, I was thinking happily of summer meals. There are certain meals that just stick out to me in relation to summer. I don't fix them often in the winter (not sure why) but I'm ready to be adding them to my meal planning board. Bring on Spring and Summer! This week's meal plan is relatively simple. Some of it is carry over from last week. A few things got bumped last week due to general lack of energy. We had sandwiches more than once last week. Ok, so here it is.. Monday- Baked Potatoes. This got bumped last week, but still sounds really good so we're doing it tonight. I'm going to steam some broccoli and we'll have that with cheese and cream cheese and maybe bacon bits too. Tuesday- Pizza. I'm fixing a homemade BBQ Chicken pizza. Wednesday- Chili. I have some chili my mother in law made on Christmas in the freezer. It sounded good, so now it's thawing in the fridge and we'll have that with a few toppings. Thursday- BLT's. Well, BL's. We're a non tomato eating house. I usually use turkey bacon for this. Yum! This is one of those summer meals that I love. Friday- Chicken N Noodles. I figured I'd mix the summer goodness and the winter comfort food this week. This is so easy and it's made in the crock pot. Can't go wrong! Saturday- Aaron and I are having a date night but the girls will be eating spaghetti. They love spaghetti. They had it with a babysitter 2 weeks ago and I got a text that said "So there was a minor spaghetti explosion in your kitchen". Aaron and I laughed because that's an excellent description of how my girls eat spaghetti. Sunday- We'll probably grab something to eat after church real quick. Sunday's are by far our busiest days, so I don't normally cook a whole lot. All in all a pretty simple menu this week! On Sunday nights I attend a small Ladies Bible Study with some of the women from my church. Right now we're going through the study book No Other Gods bye Kelly Minter. I started going through this study with a friend in November and it was life changing for both of us. My friend leads our Ladies Bible Study, so she decided that it would be great for our whole group to do. We're 4 chapters in and God is moving big time! This has been a great study for all of us. Last week in chapter 4, we talked about what the problem was with having false gods in our life. We studied the passage of scripture in Colossians and it was a great reminder to me about living a life that's holy and pleasing to God. So, with that being said, I decided that Colossians 3:17 would be the verse of the week this week. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.- Colossians 3:17 Something I struggle with daily is remember and doing in the name of Jesus and not myself or others. We need to live our life for an audience of one- God. Purpose this week to act and make decisions daily for the purpose of pleasing God and God alone. I have a feeling we'd all be much more fulfilled and content! Have a lovely Monday!
I sit down to write this post and for some reason I can never remember what has happened in the last week. I feel like maybe I need to start writing everything down. So, I figured I'd do a My Favorites Friday post that is upcoming things I'm excited/thinking about!
1. If you have followed my blog for a long time, you've read My Wilderness Story. (You can find the story here, here, and here.) If you've read my Wilderness Story, then you've heard about the licensing process my husband has to go through for his ministers license. We're going tomorrow for his yearly interview to renew his license. Shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm still a little anxious about it. We're technically not serving in a church since Hubs stepped down from his position as youth pastor this last fall. We'll be meeting with some Godly men, and in my heart I know that they'll hear the honesty behind our words when we say that we stepped away to fix our marriage and have every intention on getting back to it when the Lord leads us that way. But, I'm still a little nervous about it. 2. Is it spring yet? I'm ready! 3. I'm excited about some of the upcoming things on the blog! Tuesday I'll be debuting a new monthly feature- How To Tuesdays. Since I'm pretty much master of not much, I've been doing some research and I'm working on putting together a few really great ideas for spring cleaning from others. Organization, cleaning, and even a few at home green cleaning products. I'll be using them in my home and I figured some of you might want to as well! 4. On Monday I'm having a Fitness Assessment at the YMCA. Guys, I'm a little scared! I'm a fitness/gym dummy, so a little education for me will help so much. We can't really afford sessions with a trainer for me, so I'm going to try and absorb as much as I can so I can remember the ideas he gives me during our 1 free session! 5. I've slacked big time on my Easter mantle. Hopefully I'll get that blog post up sometime next week! I hope that you guys have a great weekend! We're iced in right now, but that's supposed to melt and it's going to be a beautiful weekend here! Hope yours is too!! Happy Friday! Today has been one of those days. I knew it was going to be kind of crazy, but I didn't know exactly how crazy. But God did. God knew exactly what we would need even before we did.
Last night I knew that Macie wasn't feeling well. Emmy had school at 9 and I had my mom's group at 10, so I figured maybe I could squeeze in a trip to the Dr's between the two. Sure enough, I called 2 mins after the Dr's office opened at 7 this morning and they had a 9:15. Perfect. Everything was working out just how I'd planned it. We all got fed, dressed, brushed and combed, and out the door on time. Emmy got to school on time and we got the Dr. on time. Things were going smoothly. The Dr came in almost immediately. Everything was going great until the words "at the hospital" came out of his mouth. The only way to possibly diagnose what might be going on with Macie would be to immediately head to the hospital and have a small procedure done. WHAT?! That was not in the plan. This is where my plan went out the window and God's peace came flooding in. It was nothing serious but still I was fearful of taking her and doing it alone. I texted a friend while still at the Dr's office and she agreed to meet me at the hospital without me even asking her to. I called Aaron at work and told him what was going on. He said, you need to call Landon (our friend and pastor) and tell him. I was like, really Aaron, it's not that big of a deal. He said, "No really, call him and tell him. He texted me this morning to say that God woke him up at 5 this morning to pray for our family". All in all, it was a very minor procedure and it was over very quickly. I'm not normally crazy about things like this with my kids, I can handle shots and tests and sickness very well. When I'm prepared for them. But God knew exactly what I'd need today. There were people already praying for us before we knew we'd need it. I'm blessed to have friends who are willing to drop what they're doing to be with us at any moment. And honestly, I'm thankful for a Dr who's willing to do what needs to be done to make sure my kids are healthy. Thankfully Macie's test results were negative and she won't need any medicine. Even still, I was ready to get home and relax. Something about being at home makes me feel like my kids are safe. Safe from the stress and minor trauma we had today. As I pulled up out front I couldn't help but say a prayer of thanks. Thanks for healthy children, thanks for great friends, and thanks for a God who's always 10 steps ahead of me giving me peace and assurance even when things get a little crazy and veer off my planned path! For so long I've tried to live my life a week or month at a time. I've always said "This week I'll do this", "This month I'm going to lose weight", "This week I'm going to count every calorie", "By next month I'll....". And I get a few days in and I've got no brown rice for the stir fry, so I stuff myself with pizza. Or I think, "ok, one cookie isn't going to hurt", and one turns into 5 or 10 and my week is shot. I'm coming to realize more and more that losing weight is about today. It's not about yesterday and it's not about tomorrow. It's only about what I need to do today.
I've been avoiding Weigh In Wednesday posts. I've been weighing in, but instead of losing weight, I've been gaining. I've gained almost 5 lbs of the original 20 I lost. When I stepped on the scale Monday and I'd hit that +5 lb mark, that was it. I felt like the Lord was saying "Is this enough yet? Are you ready to realize you are worth more than this? This is not who I created you to be!". And I know he wasn't talking about being overweight, he was talking about being defeated, frustrated, and feeling trapped by this cycle of failure. So yesterday, I did yesterday. Today, I'm doing today. When I didn't want to go run this morning, I told myself I'm worth more, this is not who I am and I packed up the girls and headed to the gym. When I wanted to stop my run 3/4 of the way through, I told myself I'm worth more, this is not who I am and I ran harder. I've got a long way to go. But today is today and that's all I need to worry about. Today I'll count my calories, and burn my calories, and work towards being exactly who God wants me to me. Eventually, all these today's will add up and I'll be at my goal weight. But most importantly, I'll be more like that person God created me to be! Are you being defeated by something? Do you feel overwhelmed by the size of it? Focus on today. Ask God for the grace and strength for only today and leave tomorrow for itself. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day! Ok, so yesterday was sort of a family day. Aaron didn't work and so we were able to spend time together as a family. Plus, I didn't make my menu until yesterday afternoon. I planned through Friday as Saturday and Sunday are going to be a little crazy for us, so it'll be food on the go or leftovers. So here it is a day late... Monday- Stir Fry. I fixed the stir fry then realized I had no rice. So, Aaron subtly suggested we use a half off coupon for pizza. So, we had pizza. But, I got rice at the grocery store last night, so I'll eat on the stir fry for my lunch this week. Tuesday- Cheeseburgers. Ok, so here's the truth, I got a new griddle and indoor grill combo thing and I've been dying to use it. So, we're having cheeseburgers. Wednesday- BBQ chicken pitas. I made these a few weeks ago for the first time and they were really good. It's just shredded BBQ chicken in a pita with a homemade slaw on top of it. Thursday- Baked Potatoes. I don't do this often because it doesn't fit in my "ideal" concept of a meal because it's not a main dish, side, and veggie. But, it's fun, and good. And easy. Friday- Chicken and Black Bean Nachos. I'll make some extra shredded chicken on Wednesday and just keep it in the fridge until Friday. We love nachos at our house and this is a healthier version. Yum! The verse of the week this week is Galatians 2:20- I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I chose this verse because it's something that I've really been dealing with the last week- being crucified with Christ. Dying to self. It seems to be exhibiting itself mostly in having no self motivation or self control. So, this week, I'm memorizing this verse so I can hide it in my heart. It will be there to remind me in those times of decision that I need to live denying myself and make the decisions that are pleasing to God.
Have a Blessed Tuesday! Oh man! What a week it has been! I can't believe we're already more than half way through February! The time is going so quickly. I'm alright with that though, I'm ready for spring!
Ok, so onto my favorites this week. I'm surprised I came up with five because quite honestly, I can't remember most of the week! 1. Valentine's Day! We had such a great day! Macie and I enjoyed going to Emmy's school for her party! Then we relaxed in the afternoon and enjoyed pink heart pancakes for dinner. Then we watched a movie before the girls went to bed. It was a great day! :-) 2. DEBT FREE!! Ok, we're not 100% debt free. We've got school loans we'll be paying for years and one other random outstanding debt that is really what I described it- random. But other than that, we were able to pay off our credit card debt, a loan, and outstanding medical bills this week. It's a great feeling! 3. Lent started this week and I went back and forth about what I wanted to fast. I knew I wanted to do something and I wanted it to be something that wasn't easy for me to do. I kept coming up with fasting pop but I didn't figure that would be super hard for me. WRONG!! Oh man, today is the first day I've felt remotely normal. I've had a terrible headache and my stomach has been queasy. Guess pop was a good decision! I can see how it's addicting! Yesterday it seemed like all I could think about was diet coke! Is this a favorite? No. But it has been a highlight! 4. Yesterday's blog post. It took me a few days to write yesterday's post. I had been thinking about it for a little over a week and I decided to go ahead and do it. Aaron read most of it before I posted it because I wanted us to both be ok with what I put out there about our situation. He was good with it, so up it went. And what a relief. I wasn't positive how well it would be received, because let's just be honest- Christian's don't have problems. Yesterday's post isn't 100% of our story, and someday we hope to be able to tell all of it, but right now isn't the time. I got a lot of positive feedback on the post and I hope that it will continue to do what it was intended to do- let people know that nothing is hopeless. God is faithful and capable of anything, even when we feel like we're past the end. 5. I GOT MY FURNITURE!!!! Oh man, I'm so excited! It looks great! Once I get my end tables refinished I'll do a living room reveal. So sorry, no pictures yet! I hope that you have a great weekend! It's a long one for most people, and I'm thankful for that! I'll be back on Monday with our Menu and the new verse of the week! 5 months ago I stood in my kitchen and with the hardest heart, full of anger and bitterness, told my husband he had until the end of the year to get his act together or I was leaving on January 1st. A few weeks later I decided that I was done, I had had enough and I was ready to walk away from my marriage. I didn't leave, but I might as well have. I checked out of my marriage totally and all I did was exist in the same house with him, and barely that.
It's funny how selfishness tints a situation. It's like dropping some food coloring into a glass of water- you can still see through it, but things just don't look the same. I've lived my life this way. I've always been priority number 1. What was easiest for me. What was best for me. What made me happiest. What I thought I deserved. My marriage has been no exception. Hang tough with me through this one. It'll take me some time to put my heart out there. Aaron and I married almost 5 and a half years ago. There has been a few high times sprinkled in the really low times. Granted, Aaron and I have gone through more than the average couple married for only a few years, but still. I wouldn't ever say that Aaron and I have shared 5 blissful years of marriage. Quite opposite actually. It was easy for me to place the blame for our problems on Aaron. Why would I take responsibility for things that I didn't feel were my fault. This mindset ruled my marriage and I micromanaged and mothered Aaron until the only thing that existed between us was bitterness. Anger lived constantly just below the surface, ready to erupt at any moment, and it often did. Those things grew in me. They choked God out of my marriage and many other areas of my life. I made some terrible decisions. I didn't feel that way at the time of course. I felt justified. I was only doing what was best for me. At the beginning of December, we'd reached the breaking point. Aaron had done everything I'd unfairly asked of him. He wanted to make our marriage work. He wanted to love me. He wanted us to be a family. I did not. I was fighting it with everything in me. I told God that if being married to Aaron was what his will was for my life, then there would be no surrender. If the next 70 years of my life were going to be anything like the last 5, then there was no way I was going to be a part of that. I wanted what I wanted. Out of total desperation, Aaron gave me a choice- Choose your family and set your selfish choices aside or continue down this path and accept that I'm leaving with the girls. It was like a bucket of ice water dumped on me. It was a shock to my system. One that opened my eyes. Initially I was so angry, but I realized that Aaron and I had no where to go but running to God. To throw ourselves at the foot of the cross and ask for redemption in our lives and in our marriage. That is exactly what we did. Fast forward to today. Aaron and I are in counseling. He made the choice in the middle of the major crisis to step down from his position as a youth pastor. We've stripped our lives down to us, and our kids. We are taking the steps necessary to restore our marriage. No, not restore, but to totally recreate. In most respects, we've started over. I started praying for hope in my marriage. I started praying for a future. I had to decide that even when my marriage seemed hopeless that God promised to give us a marriage that we want, but most importantly, one that's pleasing to Him. Aaron and I decided that even though we didn't really like each other much, and even though we saw nothing on the road ahead, we had to make the choice to do the hard stuff. We had to make the choice to live out love to each other when it was only love in action, and not feeling. And wouldn't ya know... God is honoring that. The healing process is in full swing. We have walked headlong into our anger and bitterness and hurt. God has proven himself faithful and is redeeming our marriage. Most importantly though, he's redeeming us. Aaron and I recognized that we couldn't continue in our marriage as the same people we entered it as. We committed to one another and ourselves that we were going to let God work in our hearts THEN our marriage. It's been a painful process thus far. God has peeled me back like an onion. Just when it feels like there is nothing else to strip away, there's another layer of my self and sinfulness that God exposes. I'm so thankful that he promises not to leave us that way. I'm thankful that he promises that he won't leave my marriage that way. He wants the best for us, in every area of our life. As God has changed me, so has he given us the strength to start changing our marriage. I'm married to a much different man than I was 6 months ago. God has given me a love for Aaron that I didn't think possible. He's answering our prayers. And I'm excited that this is only the beginning of our journey in the right direction. Valentine's Day will be different for us this year. I feel like for the first time we can use this day for what it was intended for- to celebrate the love we have for each other. Love that will only continue to grow and grow! Aaron, Thank you for loving me as Christ loved the church- with grace and forgiveness. Thank you for standing by my side even when I was trying to run from you. Thank you for never giving up on me, even on the darkest day. I'm excited to see where our new road is leading us. For the first time in our marriage, I'm excited to be your partner and to stand by your side whatever comes. Thank you for allowing God to shape you and lead you as you lead us. I love you, and I promise to try and love you the best I can with God's help until our last day together. Happy Valentine's Day! I believe there are many many reasons God created children. And I've decided in my life, one of those main reasons is to send me running wildly to him every day. My children are my biggest joy and my biggest challenge. What a blessing they are to me and how inadequate I feel to be given this blessing.
Aaron and I had a 5 year plan. It was a little sketchy, but kids were not even penciled into the first few years of that plan. 11 months into year 1, that all changed. We were moving cross country, I'd just found out I was pregnant, and I was sicker than I'd ever been in my life. I was 8 weeks pregnant when we packed up and left for North Dakota and I was already on 3 medicines around the clock. It was at that point that I knew Emmy would never be my compliant docile child. My prediction was absolutely right. It seems as if my DNA and Aaron's DNA lined up in such a way that it created an impossibly stubborn, willful, energetic little girl. She's smart, and funny, and creative. She makes my heart smile. I have to remind myself of this on the crazy days, but God is going to grow all that and Emmy is going to be a force to be reckoned with. I'm praying that God's love and truth will take root deeply in her heart and her love for Him and her passionate spirit will combine and that she will live in wreckless abandon to him. Macie was a little bit less of a surprise, but still a surprise none the less. I knew that Macie was going to be a mover and a shaker when she tried to come out too early. I had preterm labor and rest restrictions for my entire 8th month of pregnancy. And wouldn't ya know, she walked early, talked early, and has taken up her role of Emmy's sidekick earlier than I expected. Her little mind, heart, and body has decided it won't be held back. Her nature is peaceful. Not calm necessarily, but peaceful. She doesn't seem to be easily rattled, especially by her crazy big sister. She's not as naturally independent as her sister. She's content to sit on our laps instead of run and explore. God has given Macie a compassionate heart. She will become a tender loving caring woman with a fiery side. She'll get things done with grace but not let anyone stand in her way. Emmy and Macie already love each other so deeply. They are as different as night and day, physically even. It amazes me every day as I see them interact and play and love on each other. What a blessing God has given me in my girls. I never understood how much God loved me until I had them. Then I understood that how I feel about my girls is only a fraction of how God feels about me. Which seems pretty crazy considering how intensely I love them. Love on your kids today. And remember, God loves us like crazy even when we act like crazy little kids! |
HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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