When Emerson was a baby, she slept in a pack-n-play next to my side of the bed. At night, I would lay in bed just watching her breathe. I had a deep gripping fear of falling asleep and not being able to help her if something happened. I think I lost more sleep from staying awake out of a fear than I did from her waking through the night. Finally, I got to the point where I would pray a simple prayer every night, sometimes a few times a night, and without fail, I would almost immediately fall asleep at peace. I would pray...
Lord, I know that Emerson is a gift you've given me for only a short time on this earth. She is yours, and I give her back to you. You know my fears and I give those to you as well. Help me to sleep in peace. Amen. Eventually, as Emmy got older, I had less and less fear about something happening to her in the night and I stopped praying that prayer. But yesterday, I was reminded in an instant that Emerson's life is in God's hands, and she is but a fleeting gift to Aaron and I on this earth. I hope fleeting is a long healthy 90 years, but yesterday it almost wasn't. Yesterday afternoon we joined some friends at the beach. The girls love to swim and dig in the sand for shells. The beach was mildly crowded and the kids were playing as usual when Emmy decided that she wanted to go with the big kids out a little deeper. We'd been calling to the big kids all afternoon to come back closer to shore because the smaller ones always wanted to follow. But this time, in an instant, Emmy was gone. Suddenly, the question came- where's Emerson. I started counting all the kids, checking each one off the mental list. Seconds seemed like hours. Suddenly, I realized- there she is. Her little face barely bobbing above the water, struggling to get air, blonde hair disappearing, arms raised up straight, reaching. We all just started yelling, heading into the water. My friend Holly flew into the water instantly and snatched her up. For the rest of my life I will never forget what my baby girl looked like when Holly got her up out of that water. She was awake, and breathing, but given a few more seconds, that would not have been the case. Praise the Lord she is okay. Yesterday, parts of me broke that I didn't even know existed. There are ugly memories I will carry forever. There is a hurt inside me I can't even identify. Guilt. Regret. Fear. And an ever increasing reminder of the fact that life can be over in a blink. But there is also assurance in knowing that no matter what happens, God is still in control. Thankfulness for my daughters life, her health. Gratefulness for friends who jumped into action immediately when I seemed to not even be able to form a thought. As I laid in bed with Emmy last night, not willing to be away from her quite yet, her hair smelled of sunblock and sand. Those two smells mixed together may forever remind me of yesterday. The good and the bad. As I lay there, I found myself praying my prayer again, mostly as a prayer of thankfulness. Because Emerson belongs to God, not me. And he carries her in His hands even when I can't. And for that, I am forever grateful. Hug those you love today. Remember that we are not given a promise of having a tomorrow. And then live in an attitude of gratefulness that God is in control and he carries us every minute of every day.
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The day off yesterday has thrown me. I woke up this morning in Monday mode. Thankfully, I remembered it was Tuesday and I'll be getting on with Tuesday things. Anyways, I wanted to share these with you, partly because I want the accountability, but also because I know there are probably other parents out there that can and should make parenting goals. I didn't start the year with the intention of setting specific goals in this area, but the Lord has really impressed them on me. So... here goes-
1. Stop Yelling. Yes, I'm a yeller. And now so are my kids. I've read so much about this topic and I know it's not a good form of communication with my children. Infact, it's not communication. It's just yelling. I even realized that the reason I yell is because I feel like I'm losing control of situation. But, I didn't see the need to change until it was staring me in the face. I heard Emmy start talking/sounding/yelling just like me. And I decided that was it. So, I've purposed to speak quietly when I'm upset instead of yell. It hasn't been easy and I've not been perfect, but when I sense the anger or out of control feeling building up, I've just prayed for help from the Holy Spirit to help me control my emotions and give me wisdom on how to handle the situation instead of yelling. 2. Encourage More. I want to be an encouraging parent. I want my kids to know that I love them and I approve of who they are and who they are becoming. I want them to know that I recognize things they do. And I want them to know that I love them, no matter what. So, I've decided I want to encourage them 5x's more than I discipline or correct. Some days this has proven to be REALLY hard. When it seems like they're just out to make me crazy or I'm in a bad mood, it forces me to look for the positives. And it's helped me to appreciate things about my girls that I haven't before. 3. Let them be kids and loosen up. Obviously, there is a time and place for everything, but at the appropriate time I just want to let my kids be kids. For so long I've worried about my children's behavior and over-corrected them when there really was no reason to. I wasn't letting them just be kids. When they aren't doing anything wrong or when they aren't hurting anyone or themselves, then just let them be. An example of this- Sunday we took the girls to a local McDonalds and let them eat and play in the play place. Emmy got up during lunch and moved to the 2 seater table next to us. Normally, I would have immediately corrected her and made her come back to our table, but I told myself she's not doing anything wrong, she's not hurting anyone, she's safe (still within a quick arms reach) and she's capable so just let her be. She was happy, I was happy she was happy, and it didn't turn into something it didn't need to be. 4. Pray for them more. I pray for my kids, but not faithfully in a earnest, praying God's will over them sort of way. Right now it's my job to lead them to the cross. It's my (ours- as in Aaron and I) job to introduce them to Jesus and teach them about who God is and what that means for their lives. We read bible stories with them, we do bible verses, we talk about God, but I'm not faithful enough to pray God's protection over their little hearts and minds. 5. Protect them. Everyone's probably like... well, of course you're supposed to protect them. I'm not talking physically protecting them- I'm talking about protecting their hearts and minds. And teaching them how to protect their own hearts and minds. I've really prayed for wisdom in this area. And the Lord has shown me that there are things that we have been doing, have been watching, have been listening to that could plant little seeds in their heart and grow into things that he doesn't want there. Most of this comes through watching TV. I've become very protective over what they are watching. We've cut way back on how much we watch and we've stopped watching things we've watched previously. They don't like it, but right now, it's what I need to do to protect their hearts. 6. Stop being a hypocrite. I'm not saying that Aaron and I lead vastly different lives in private than we do in public, because we don't. But, I do instruct my girls to do things that I don't do. Or not as quickly or as easily as I should. They have to clean up their toys when they're done playing with them so why don't I clean up the mess I make in the kitchen as soon as I'm done. I want them to make their beds in the morning but I can't remember the last time I made mine. I can't teach and train my children in Biblical principles and instruction if I'm not living out that training myself. I want to be more like Christ, and I want my kids to learn about God and becoming more like him from me and what I do, not just what I say. Parenting has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Marriage has been exceedingly hard and parenting has surpassed that easily. It has exposed my selfishness in a way I never thought possible. God has used my children to peel back layers and expose things about myself that I didn't even know existed. But I'm so thankful for that. I want my kids to know Jesus by seeing him in my life and if that means dealing with ugly things, then that's what it means. Are there any parenting goals you want to set for yourself or have been working on lately? I'd love to hear them! Happy Tuesday! If there is one thing I've learned in a major way over the last 6 years is that I'm selfish. Extremely selfish. Like, sickeningly selfish. I'm sure if you asked anyone in my life to to tell you the absolute worst thing about me, this is what they would say. I seek to be happy, fulfilled, to have purpose, to be complete. However I can accomplish that for myself, that's what I do. Knowing how this impacts my life on a daily basis, how it impacts my family and my friends, majority of the time I pray this prayer about 23984203984 times a day...
Lord, empty me of myself. I was doing that same thing again today and I got a funny picture in my head. It was like I was a God's little doll but I was filled with water and there was a small plug on the bottom of my foot. This mental picture kind of made me laugh for a minute, but then these words impressed themselves on my heart. Here's what I wrote in my journal... When I lay myself down at the foot of the cross, God opens the plug and I drain out. For a minute I grieve the loss of those things that keep me selfish. The things that make "me". Then I realize that God is beginning to pour new life into me. I am still me. He created me after all, but his life inside of me, I am better. I see with his eyes. I use his hands for the things I do and I use his feet for the places I go. I smile his smile and I love with his love. Before I know it, I can't see me. All I see is who I became after I was emptied of myself and filled with him. And I am happy. I am fulfilled. I have purpose. I am complete. Man how I want that to be true in my life. I want my happiness and fulfillment to come from being filled with him and being like him instead of being like me. I've chased, grabbed, scratched at, and practically stolen things that I thought would bring me happiness and fulfillment. I've turned dead end corners to find purpose. I've made hurtful dangerous decisions to feel complete. Lord, empty me of myself. Fill me with you. Yesterday I read a blog that a friend of mine had posted on Facebook. It was one of those blogs that's going to go viral among christian moms because it's pretty much something we all need to hear. And I knew it was a God thing because, in keeping with my life theme right now, it was all about grace. And not just grace in general, but allowing it in your own life.
As I read through the blog, it was one of those moments were I was like... wow, she nailed it. (Then selfishly I thought, man, I wish I could write like that!) But as I read on, she presented something that was, for me at least, almost an epiphany. I loved it so much that I wanted to share it with you today. As you know, I value honesty on this blog. I purposed to write about real life. Not some made up, idyllic lifestyle with perfect pictures of homemade food I cooked and awesome thrifty DIY projects that are repinned 209384023984 times on Pinterest. That's not who I am. And that's not who I want to present myself to be. I'm screwed up. I'm selfish. I'm emotional. Way more whiny than I should be. I act entitled, I talk too much, and most of the time I'm slightly irrational. But. I will never communicate God's love and redemption in my life (and his desire and willingness to do it in yours) if I don't allow myself grace. Because in allowing myself to receive it, I'm automatically extending it to others. If I always try and appear to have it all together and act like the perfect christian, wife, and mother, I'm only presenting other young moms/women/people the opportunity for comparison. And comparison is the breading ground for guilt, and doubt, and any other mindset that's not of God. Basically, the opposite of grace. If I'm honest about the struggles I have and the things I deal with on a daily basis and I say... "Hey, I deal with anger towards my kids. God is really dealing with me about this and he's showing me ways to deal with them more effectively and in loving Christlike ways. But ya know what? I still only get it right 50% of the time and right now, that's ok. Because God is still growing me and I know he loves me in spite of it." "I want to punch my husband in the face every time he bites his nails. I know that's not the most appropriate response, but I'm so over being nice about it. But, God is helping me identify my attitude and I'm figuring out better ways of communicating my frustration. Sometimes." "I hate being broke. I know there are times when I don't handle our money as I should, especially when it's spent selfishly, but not having money to provide for my kids makes me feel like a bad mom. But, I know God understands my fears and I know he promises to provide for us. Sometimes I just have a hard time applying it in my life." That is going to be WAY less alienating than acting like I'm super woman. Because I'm not. And I don't want people to perceive that. God didn't create us to be shiny happy people. He didn't act that way. His disciples didn't act that way. All the people throughout the Bible that mirrored God's heart- they didn't act that way. Why have we come to the point where we feel like it's necessary for us to be that way? I don't think that's God's intention for us. In Psalm 51:16-17 it says.... You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. God doesn't need us to bring something perfect to him. He doesn't need a nice pressed, polished, painted version of us. He wants the broken parts of us. He wants our willing spirit. Don't get caught up in fake. Don't get caught up in your shortfalls. Don't get caught up in wish-I-could's. Be who you are. Extend yourself grace. Ask God for wisdom for overcoming those things and start seeking out ways to be more like him. And most of all- let's just be honest. Let's just be the person God sees. The broken, contrite ones. Those are the best ways to be. Don't fear the judgement of others. Set that aside and consider the freedom you could be offering someone else by just being the messed up, human, grace filled you. Consider the freedom you'd be allowing yourself! Try it today. Even if it's just once. I bet you'll feel better... Monday! Monday! Monday! I don't really dislike Monday's. I feel like my week normally goes so quickly that I can't complain about the begining of a new weeks. This week is rather slow on the social calendar so I've got meals for every day. Our church is having our Thanksgiving Feast on Sunday, so I don't have a meal planned for that day, although I am fixing green bean casserole and cheesecake. So, I don't totally get out of cooking for it. I'm trying a new recipe this week. I'll link them up to the original recipe or to my recipe page. Monday- Pierogi Casserole. I fixed this 2 weeks ago and it was delish! But don't think for a minute that this will help out your calorie count for the day. This is RICH comfort food! But oh so yummy! Tuesday- Chicken Spaghetti. This is my new recipe for the week. I've heard people rave about this recipe so I'm very excited to try it! Wednesday- Fried Chicken. It's been so long since I've made my mom's fried chicken. Sorry, no recipe for this, it's kind of a family thing! Thursday- Sandwiches. This was Aaron's request. I have been not putting this on the menu because he takes sandwiches for lunch to work, but when I asked him for ideas for this week's menu, this is what he asked for. Thursday is going to be a very busy day for us, so I'm good with easy dinner too! Friday- Biscuit Pizza. This is easy easy easy and pretty tasty actually. The girls love them because they're easy for them to eat. Emmy loves fixing her own. Saturday- BLT's. Pretty straight forward. And actually, we're not tomato eaters in this house, so normally we eat BL's. I use turkey bacon for a little extra calorie cut. Sunday- Fishers Point Thanksgiving Feast Extravaganza! Not a complicated menu this week, and I was able to get all the groceries we needed for this week and next for about $70. I had a lot of these ingredients on hand. Next week's menu will include Thanksgiving! Oh my time is flying! This week was a big week in the Wainscott house! Emmy started preschool! We've been preparing for this for what's seemed like weeks and the day finally came. We walked into the building with her gigantic backpack and her perfectly packed lunch. I was holding back tears, trying to stay strong, and reminding myself that this step of independence doesn't mean she loves me or needs me any less. We hung her backpack on her hook, I snapped a quick picture then I dropped her at the door and she ran off. I called her back for a kiss. She obliged quickly then ran back to her new fun classroom, full of colorful attention grabbing things.
I know I'm jumping ahead a lot of years and she's got plenty of independence to discover, but I've got no idea how I'm going to pack her up and move her to college. She's in preschool for 4 hours 2 days a week, and I'm not going to lie- there was a hole. Even heading into day #2, I'm still getting a little choked up just typing this. I miss my big girl when she's not here. Yesterday was an off day. She was here with me and heading into the day I was thankful for a day for us to just hang out around the house. And about 2 hours into it, I realized that my 3 yr old was still my 3yr old, just a 3 yr old that goes to preschool. And she pushed every single button I've got. She tried to rechalk every boundary we've ever set. She stubbornly stood her little ground until I'm sure she didn't even remember what she was being stubborn about. And finally, I lost it. I made a mistake. Out of anger, I was too harsh with her and immediately felt that stab of mommy guilt. Of sinners guilt. It's humbling when you have to apologize to a 3 yr old. And it made my hurting heart melt all the more when through tears she said... "It's ok, mommy" and I knew she meant it. I'm so thankful God doesn't deal with me the way that I deal with my kids. I'm sure he would have squashed me like a fly on a windshield by now. And I'm thankful for grace, because without it, I would absolutely have to live with that mommy guilt and pain forever. And I'm thankful for a 3 yr old that is willing to set her little injured heart aside and put blind trust in me again, even though I feel so unworthy of it. Thank you, Lord of the blessing you've given me in my children. I pray that I would seek you constantly and immediately and that your Holy Spirit would interupt my sinful human dealings and frustrations with them. Give me your eyes to see them when I can't see past the *BIG* personalities you've given them. Make me more like you so I can help them be more like you. A few weeks ago I posted about the snowman candleholders we made for my mom for her birthday. We needed to make something super cheap, and I realized I had everything I needed for this project so it would be free. My mom loves snowmen and anything Emmy or Macie make for her, so this worked out great! I started with an empty jar, white tissue paper, my homemade decoupage medium, orange felt,red felt, black felt, and black construction paper. Emmy helped me rip the tissue paper into big pieces so we could glue them to the jar. Coat the jar with the decoupage medium, then place your tissue paper on the jar. Then give the tissue paper a good coat of decoupage. Repeat the process with the rest of the tissue paper, overlapping each piece until the jar is covered. I had to add an extra layer of tissue paper so it wasn't ultra see through. Make sure you cover the mouth of the jar as well. Once all the tissue paper is on, take the black construction paper and cut 2 circles for eyes and small circles for the mouth. I used a whole punch to make the small circles for the mouth. Decoupage the eyes and mouth onto the jar. Mine eyes didn't end up sticking so I had to glue them at the end. The rest I don't have pictures for, but I took the red felt and cut a strip about an inch thick for the scarf to go around the bottom. I cut a strip of back felt for the top, to look like part of a top hat. I used the orange felt and cut 2 equal size triangles for the nose. Once the tissue paper was completely dry, I used my hot glue gun and attached all the felt. Emmy and I made the first one, then I decided I wanted to do a tutorial so I did a 2nd jar, that's why there is 2. Emmy was so excited about them, she spilled the beans to my mom about what they were before she even opened the gift.
Last week I didn't do a My Favorites Friday post. Things were kinda crazy (and still are) but I'm not as discombobulated this week. But, a lot of good stuff happened last week, so this is going to be a combined post from this week at last! 1. Campmeeting and NYI convetion! I love campmeeting. I grew up in Michigan and although our campmeeting is slightly different than here in Indy, I love getting together with fellow [Nazarene] Christians and worshiping. Plus, it's always such a good reminder of the Christian heritage we have. And, it's a great time to catch up with friends I haven't seen in a while! NYI Convention, which is basically a business meeting for the youth department on the Indy District, was great too. Although, I missed a lot of the meeting since I was selected to be on one of the ballot counting groups. Oh well. It was fun being with teens and youth pastors. We got to meet some youth pastors on the district and network some! 2. My girls have discovered sleeping in! Well, if 8:30 is sleeping in. Anyways, they're getting like an hour and a half more sleep than normal for the last 2 weeks. And although this has made me rework napping, I still enjoy getting a little more sleep.
3. GAME NIGHT! I'm so pumped about tonight. Some friends are coming over to recieve the worst Monopoly deal booty whoopin they've ever recieved. Plus, we're going to have grilled chicken, brats, fried corn and some other awesomness to eat. 4. I've mentioned it before, but the devotional book, Jesus Calling has been such a blessing to me over the last week or so. It's a great book, but it seems like what's written has been written exactly to me from God. If you haven't checked it out, you should! 5. Toronto in 8 days! The lists and spreadsheets have been made! I haven't really started on anything yet since if I packed now, I'd just have to pull stuff out of suitcases. And my parents will be here on Thursday, so if I did a deep clean now, I'd just have to do it again before they get here. So, on Monday, the cleaning starts in earnest. Aaron's got Wed (the 4th) off. So, hopefully, I can get alot accomplished while he's home to entertain the girls. And with my parents coming in early I'll be able to pack sanely since they can entertain the girls while I pack. Something about one of my kids being sick strikes fear into my heart. Older more experienced moms probably laugh at me. Thankfully I'm blessed and have healthy children. They don't get sick very often, so when they do, I have a moment of panic. I'm always concerned if I'm doing it right. Am I making it worse? Should they go to the dr? Should they go to the hospital? Should I do nothing? Hopefully we'll make it through childhood lucky, but heaven help me when one of them breaks a bone or something. I don't have any amazing biblical tie in for this, it's just mommy talk. Last week I started a series of sorts. I did a post about what God was showing me about Living Simply. My first post was about Seeing God. Funny part about that, God showed me that at the perfect time. I've really needed that over the last week.
Today though is Investing In Others. One thing God has really been showing me about living simply is that it's so much easier when I'm not focusing on what I don't have/what I want/what I think I should have if I'm focusing on others. One of my biggest prayers over the last few years has been that God would give me more of a servents heart. I've been praying that God would give me people to invest myself in for no other purpose than to show them Himself (God). Through the simple fact that Aaron and I are in youth ministry, we've been automatically given on average 6 or 7 opportunities for investment (our awesome youth group). But, ultimately, we need to ask God to show us 1 or 2 people that we can really pour ourselves into. Last week I started rereading a ministry book called Girls Ministry, 101. by Whitney Prosperi. I got it when Aaron and I first went into ministry, and it was a really good book. I decided to go back through it and refresh a little bit. One of the statments she makes really stuck out to me... We utilize our time best when we invest in someone elses life. In our day and age it's so easy to fill our time with stuff. And not all of it is bad stuff, but it's definitely stuff. We also have many many ways to invest in someone elses life. Social media makes it so easy for me to keep up with my youth group girls. Text messaging is easy too. All those things are great, but I do think the best way to invest in someone is to be physically present with them. I can facebook and text people all I want and still not be 100% mentally with that person. But, physically being with someone means time. I know that sometimes I hardly have time to think straight let alone fit in a coffee date or a quick ice cream trip. But when I do fit them in, I've never regreted it and I've never seen it as time wasted. Ok, so I need to be physically present with people, but what else? I've come to realize that the best way to invest in someone is to just speak truth to that person as often as you can. Be real, be honest, be open. Listen. Be understanding. Ask God to have His eyes. See that person how He sees them. One of the crazy things about investing is someone else is that I've learned more about myself. It can be scary. My life is a mess, how could I possibly invest in someone else when I can't keep my life straight. Honestly, because you never know if that person is right where you are. You could be helping them walk the same road you are. It's taken me a while to learn this lesson... I've NEVER met 1 person who's totally together. I've met so many women and thought, whoa! check her out! She's so put together, her family is perfect, her life is great. It's taken me maturing spiritually (a little) to realize that most people are just like me. Maybe not as spastic and unorganized, but no one is perfect. So, what that being said, God has showed me that investing in someone will take the focus off of how complicated I think my life is. I need to ask God to show me someone I can invest in and I need to see them through His eyes. I need to be willing to make time for that person and I need to be real, open, and honest with them. This is investing in others. It's Menu Monday here at Definitely.Maybe. I grocery shopped on Thursday last week, so my menu has been done for a few days. This week we're having one of my favorite meals, Chicken Pot Pie! I used up the last of the gift card I'd been shopping with the last 2 weeks and this was a true pantry week, so I've got a repeat meal from last week. We'll be on the run on Wed, so I picked something easy. I'm only planning through Thursday because Friday is payday and I'll just go ahead and do my shopping on Friday because Saturday and Sunday are super busy days for us! Menu for June 18-June 21 Monday- Chicken Pot Pie- This is a super simple recipe. I use a bag of frozen veggies, a chicken breast that already cooked and chunked up, 1 can of cream of chicken soup, and 1 can of cheddar cheese soup. I mix it all together with some garlic powder and a little bit of oregano and pepper. I use Bisquick Heart Healthy Baking Mix for the top. It's a family favorite. Tuesday- Ham and Cheese Calzones- I have frozen loaf of uncooked bread in the freezer that needs to be used. I'll pull it out, let it thaw and proof, pound it out and then cut it into pieces large enough to fill with ham and shredded colby jack cheese. Then seal off the edges with a fork, cut 2 small slits in the top, brush with an egg white, and bake at 350 until golden brown. Also a family favorite. Wednesday- Turkey and Cheese Sandwiches- We'll be busy at campmeeting on Wed so I'm doing something quick. Thursday- Spaghetti- I already had all the ingredients for this, so it's an easy meal that I didn't have to purchase a thing for! Weekend Recap
We had a nice relaxing weekend around these parts. Saturday morning, I had breakfast with one of the girls from our youth group and then when I got home, I fixed the kids lunch and we headed out to to pool. We had a great time swimming and enjoying the beautiful weather! Later on in the night we noticed that Macie seemed to be having some trouble breathing. I packed her up and headed off to MedCheck. When we got there, it packed and they told me we'd have to wait almost 2 hours. I said no thanks and headed to the ER. 4 hours later and absolutely no answers I brought her home and put her to bed. She was exhausted. Yesterday was another nice relaxing day. We had a great time celebrating Aaron. He opened his gift from the girls yesterday morning before church. Then we headed out to church. After church I made pancakes for lunch, then we all took a nap. We grilled out later on for dinner then we all watched Toy Story 3 for the first time. Oh man, I thought it was a little intense for a kid at some points, but it was still good. Definitely cried at the end. After the kids went to bed, I spent sometime ironing and getting ready for the upcoming week! All in all, it was a great relaxing weekend! We enjoyed it. It will be a long while before we have that much free time on a weekend again! |
HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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