As I've had time to process the events of Sunday, which you can read about here, God has used the situation to impress a few truths on my heart and I wanted to share them with you today....
When I was growing up, and until recently actually, I thought God was an all or nothing God. I thought that he expected perfection from me and when I failed, he was beyond disappointed with me and looked at me with disgust. I related to him in that way. I felt that I was constantly letting him down and I would never be good enough for him to love me. Thankfully, I've learned a few things about God, his character, and his grace. But, today, I had a bit of a realization... When I realized that Emerson was going under the water Sunday afternoon, and I was far enough away that I couldn't reach her, I was DESPERATE. There wasn't much of a limit to what I would have done to get her out of that water. There was an instant rush of instinct that shot through me that made me almost crazy with the need to rescue her. Seeing her little hands reached up into the air grabbing for anything to help her, trying to keep her head up so she could breathe was honestly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. Knowing that she was in distress, knowing that she needed me in that instant, was overwhelming. It took my breath away. When I was laying in bed with her last night she told me, "Mommy, I just kept trying to push myself up so I could see you". In her fear, she was trying to keep her eyes on me. She was trying desperately to know that I saw her, that I was coming for her. How I felt yesterday is a minor fraction about how God feels about us. I wasn't standing on the beach thinking Oh Emerson, if you would have just made the right choice and stayed closer to shore, or, Emerson, you disobeyed my words, shame on you, fix your problem. NO WAY! I was thinking... I need to get to my child! I have to save my baby! That's what God thinks about us. God is desperate for us. He's desperate to reach us! He's desperate to save us! In our sin, we are exactly like Emerson was yesterday- head going under, holding our breathe, reaching up hoping someone will come for us. She didn't know she was in danger until it was too late. We run headlong into our sin because it looks fun or appealing. Emmy just wanted to play with the big kids, she didn't realize the danger she was walking herself into. And we get out there too deep, we get stuck and suddenly we're trying to push ourselves up just to see help. Just to try and keep our heads above water long enough, in hopes that someone will save us. Luke 19:10 says- For the Son of Man came to SEEK and to SAVE that which was lost. It doesn't say that Jesus came to stand by and tell us how bad we are because of our sin and shame us for our bad choices, and that we have to fix our problem. Jesus came to SEEK us out. He came to SAVE us. He's desperately loving you, he's coming for you, to pull you up out of the water. He's rushing for you to save you from going under! I wish you could feel my heart in this, the heart of a mother who was almost looking death in the face. The heart of a mother who was mere seconds from losing her child. The heart of a person who got a tiny tiny tiny glimpse at the heart of God- his desperation for us. His jealousy for our hearts. God loves you. God loves you. God loves you. And not only does he love you- he's coming to you. He's reaching out to you. He wants to pull you into the safety of his arms, out of the danger of death. Will you let him do that today? I'm praying that if you don't know how deeply God loves you, that today you will experience even a tiny fraction of the fullness and protection of his love. Because it will blow you away. If I can help you with this in any way, please send me a message or email me. I would love to talk more with you about how much God loves you, how he wants to rescue you. Find a friend, contact a pastor, someone you trust that can help you with this. Because this will change your life! Happy Tuesday!
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When Emerson was a baby, she slept in a pack-n-play next to my side of the bed. At night, I would lay in bed just watching her breathe. I had a deep gripping fear of falling asleep and not being able to help her if something happened. I think I lost more sleep from staying awake out of a fear than I did from her waking through the night. Finally, I got to the point where I would pray a simple prayer every night, sometimes a few times a night, and without fail, I would almost immediately fall asleep at peace. I would pray...
Lord, I know that Emerson is a gift you've given me for only a short time on this earth. She is yours, and I give her back to you. You know my fears and I give those to you as well. Help me to sleep in peace. Amen. Eventually, as Emmy got older, I had less and less fear about something happening to her in the night and I stopped praying that prayer. But yesterday, I was reminded in an instant that Emerson's life is in God's hands, and she is but a fleeting gift to Aaron and I on this earth. I hope fleeting is a long healthy 90 years, but yesterday it almost wasn't. Yesterday afternoon we joined some friends at the beach. The girls love to swim and dig in the sand for shells. The beach was mildly crowded and the kids were playing as usual when Emmy decided that she wanted to go with the big kids out a little deeper. We'd been calling to the big kids all afternoon to come back closer to shore because the smaller ones always wanted to follow. But this time, in an instant, Emmy was gone. Suddenly, the question came- where's Emerson. I started counting all the kids, checking each one off the mental list. Seconds seemed like hours. Suddenly, I realized- there she is. Her little face barely bobbing above the water, struggling to get air, blonde hair disappearing, arms raised up straight, reaching. We all just started yelling, heading into the water. My friend Holly flew into the water instantly and snatched her up. For the rest of my life I will never forget what my baby girl looked like when Holly got her up out of that water. She was awake, and breathing, but given a few more seconds, that would not have been the case. Praise the Lord she is okay. Yesterday, parts of me broke that I didn't even know existed. There are ugly memories I will carry forever. There is a hurt inside me I can't even identify. Guilt. Regret. Fear. And an ever increasing reminder of the fact that life can be over in a blink. But there is also assurance in knowing that no matter what happens, God is still in control. Thankfulness for my daughters life, her health. Gratefulness for friends who jumped into action immediately when I seemed to not even be able to form a thought. As I laid in bed with Emmy last night, not willing to be away from her quite yet, her hair smelled of sunblock and sand. Those two smells mixed together may forever remind me of yesterday. The good and the bad. As I lay there, I found myself praying my prayer again, mostly as a prayer of thankfulness. Because Emerson belongs to God, not me. And he carries her in His hands even when I can't. And for that, I am forever grateful. Hug those you love today. Remember that we are not given a promise of having a tomorrow. And then live in an attitude of gratefulness that God is in control and he carries us every minute of every day. The current Bible study I'm doing,Brave by Angela Thomas, has a chapter about being undisciplined. I think it's a chapter that most anyone can relate to. I don't believe there is a single person whose disciplined in every area of their life. It was a chapter that really struck a chord with me, and when I completed that chapter, I sat down and made a list of 7 things that I can do during the day that will help with keeping my home and sanity in tact. I've been doing them for a few weeks now and I wanted to share them with you today. 1. Jesus Our first step, thought, action, etc should always be Jesus. Ok, I'll admit that when I open my eyes in the morning my first thought isn't about Jesus. It's usually- did I wake up before the girls. But, once I collect myself a little, I always try and pray for a few minutes. I find my courage and commit my day to God. I pray for His will to be done during the day and if that means rearranging my schedule, then so be it. When I skip this step, I usually do not have a good productive day. 2. Start Early I'm not a morning person. I've finally embraced this. I'm not the type of mom who's up before the kids, dressed, fed, and ready to go when their feet hit the floor. And that's ok. There are lots of women out there that can do that and it works well for them. It doesn't for me. But, once I'm up and going with the girls, I kill my day if I sit down right after breakfast is over. Because then I stay sitting and nothing gets done. I start on my to do list as soon as breakfast is over or as soon as we get home from dropping off at school. It gets the momentum going and I accomplish more. 3. The 10 o'clock Rule I saw this idea on another blog, and for the life of me, I have no idea which blog it was. (if you know, tell me and I'll credit this idea). If you menu plan like me, this isn't very hard to do. It's just simply knowing exactly what's for dinner by 10 am. When you do this, there's no surprises at 5pm when the meat is still frozen or you're missing a key ingredient. Also, if you're a working mom, or doing weight watchers, or counting calories, or really just want to take the stress out, I would say do this at 10pm the night before. Plan exactly what your meals will be for the next day and have things prepped and ready to go. If you pack your lunch for work or the kids lunch for school, have them partially packed and ready to go for the AM. 4. Write Stuff Down Yes, it's true. I feel so discombobulated when I know I was supposed to be doing or remember something but I have no idea what it was because I didn't write it down somewhere. I have a smartphone, but I'm an old school type of person. I have a good ole paper student planner that I use daily. But, if that's not your style, use your calendar on your phone, make notes, use smoke signals. Do something. Just write stuff down.
5. Have a Flexible Schedule We're semi scheduled during the school year just because of Emmy's school schedule. She goes to school 3 days a week, so we plan around that. But, normally we know that Wednesday is also Library day and Friday is grocery day. I schedule specific things on specific days so that life just runs more smoothly. I plan on doing this during our summer break too. Certain days will be different things- water day, library day, beach day, etc. A routine like this helps my girls too. They know exactly what's going to happen and when. Obviously, don't pin yourself down so much that you create stress with rigidity. If you have to switch things up, no big deal. This is life. It's fluid and not perfect. 6. Schedule Downtime in Your Day From 1pm-2pm there's a good chance I'm sitting in our big brown chair in the living room drinking a cup of coffee. And doing nothing except Facebook, Pinterest, or reading a book. And ya know what? That's ok. That hour and cup of coffee help me reset for the afternoon. If I take that hour to refresh then I'm good to go for the rest of the day. If your day is scheduled, work in some downtime. A few days a week I use this time as "quiet time" for my girls. I have specific toys, books, puzzles they only see during quiet time. Emmy uses this time to work on writing her letters or "homework" from school and Macie normally colors or looks at books. If I haven't worked it in earlier in the day, I use this time for my Bible study time. 7. Clean your "stress space" before bed. I HATE going to bed with a sink of dishes. My morning just runs so much more smooth when I come into a clean kitchen. When I'm trying to pull myself together for the day, it starts me off on the wrong foot when I walk into dirty clutter. So, I've been trying to make a point to get the dishes washed, the counters clear and clean, laundry off the floor (my laundry is in my kitchen), and my floors swept before I head to bed. Makes a big difference in the way my next day starts. Well, there ya have it. 7 things I do to help my most undisciplined life run more smoothly. Although, I don't want to leave this unsaid- There are areas of our life that may perhaps always be undisciplined. And discipline looks different for every person on the planet. But don't let the important things go. God gives us his strength and ability to conquer our undisciplined areas if we commit them to him. And it takes practice. We can't wake up in the morning, tell God we went to be disciplined and suddenly we are. It takes work and intention. And it's hard. But don't bypass it because it's hard. Take God's help and get victory over those areas. And I'm right there with ya. Happy Tuesday! The day off yesterday has thrown me. I woke up this morning in Monday mode. Thankfully, I remembered it was Tuesday and I'll be getting on with Tuesday things. Anyways, I wanted to share these with you, partly because I want the accountability, but also because I know there are probably other parents out there that can and should make parenting goals. I didn't start the year with the intention of setting specific goals in this area, but the Lord has really impressed them on me. So... here goes-
1. Stop Yelling. Yes, I'm a yeller. And now so are my kids. I've read so much about this topic and I know it's not a good form of communication with my children. Infact, it's not communication. It's just yelling. I even realized that the reason I yell is because I feel like I'm losing control of situation. But, I didn't see the need to change until it was staring me in the face. I heard Emmy start talking/sounding/yelling just like me. And I decided that was it. So, I've purposed to speak quietly when I'm upset instead of yell. It hasn't been easy and I've not been perfect, but when I sense the anger or out of control feeling building up, I've just prayed for help from the Holy Spirit to help me control my emotions and give me wisdom on how to handle the situation instead of yelling. 2. Encourage More. I want to be an encouraging parent. I want my kids to know that I love them and I approve of who they are and who they are becoming. I want them to know that I recognize things they do. And I want them to know that I love them, no matter what. So, I've decided I want to encourage them 5x's more than I discipline or correct. Some days this has proven to be REALLY hard. When it seems like they're just out to make me crazy or I'm in a bad mood, it forces me to look for the positives. And it's helped me to appreciate things about my girls that I haven't before. 3. Let them be kids and loosen up. Obviously, there is a time and place for everything, but at the appropriate time I just want to let my kids be kids. For so long I've worried about my children's behavior and over-corrected them when there really was no reason to. I wasn't letting them just be kids. When they aren't doing anything wrong or when they aren't hurting anyone or themselves, then just let them be. An example of this- Sunday we took the girls to a local McDonalds and let them eat and play in the play place. Emmy got up during lunch and moved to the 2 seater table next to us. Normally, I would have immediately corrected her and made her come back to our table, but I told myself she's not doing anything wrong, she's not hurting anyone, she's safe (still within a quick arms reach) and she's capable so just let her be. She was happy, I was happy she was happy, and it didn't turn into something it didn't need to be. 4. Pray for them more. I pray for my kids, but not faithfully in a earnest, praying God's will over them sort of way. Right now it's my job to lead them to the cross. It's my (ours- as in Aaron and I) job to introduce them to Jesus and teach them about who God is and what that means for their lives. We read bible stories with them, we do bible verses, we talk about God, but I'm not faithful enough to pray God's protection over their little hearts and minds. 5. Protect them. Everyone's probably like... well, of course you're supposed to protect them. I'm not talking physically protecting them- I'm talking about protecting their hearts and minds. And teaching them how to protect their own hearts and minds. I've really prayed for wisdom in this area. And the Lord has shown me that there are things that we have been doing, have been watching, have been listening to that could plant little seeds in their heart and grow into things that he doesn't want there. Most of this comes through watching TV. I've become very protective over what they are watching. We've cut way back on how much we watch and we've stopped watching things we've watched previously. They don't like it, but right now, it's what I need to do to protect their hearts. 6. Stop being a hypocrite. I'm not saying that Aaron and I lead vastly different lives in private than we do in public, because we don't. But, I do instruct my girls to do things that I don't do. Or not as quickly or as easily as I should. They have to clean up their toys when they're done playing with them so why don't I clean up the mess I make in the kitchen as soon as I'm done. I want them to make their beds in the morning but I can't remember the last time I made mine. I can't teach and train my children in Biblical principles and instruction if I'm not living out that training myself. I want to be more like Christ, and I want my kids to learn about God and becoming more like him from me and what I do, not just what I say. Parenting has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Marriage has been exceedingly hard and parenting has surpassed that easily. It has exposed my selfishness in a way I never thought possible. God has used my children to peel back layers and expose things about myself that I didn't even know existed. But I'm so thankful for that. I want my kids to know Jesus by seeing him in my life and if that means dealing with ugly things, then that's what it means. Are there any parenting goals you want to set for yourself or have been working on lately? I'd love to hear them! Happy Tuesday! |
HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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