I've been so in my own head recently that I've come up with lots to blog about. Hence the blow up of 2 a day posts the last few days. (Plus, some I type a day or so ahead and just publish in the AM). Anyways, I was baking some baked blueberry oatmeal (pic above, pinned here, not as fantastic as it looks) and I got thinking about all the things I've always dreamt of doing. This particular day of baking led me back to the dreams I have of one day owning a bed and breakfast.
Ok, before I get into all this, let me preface this by saying I'm a dreamer. I've got lots and lots and LOTS of things I want to do before I die. I know that some of them are probably not reality, and accomplishing all of them would be insanity as I'd probably have to change jobs/professions/locations etc like 3 times a year. BUT, there are a few I hope to accomplish in my lifetime, and a bed and breakfast is one of them. Two or so years ago, Aaron and I were taking a trip up to my parents lake house and got talking about this for some reason. We decided that a far off goal or ours was to own/run and retreat and/or conference center. Specifically, we'd like it to be a place where Pastors and thier families can come on vacation or a spiritual retreat and we could host them, house them, and feed them. It kinda of took off from there and as we talked about it the plans became larger and more grand, but at it's roots, even just a nice big house where I can host people, get to know them, feed thier bellies, and show them a little bit of Jesus along the way. Preferably in a coastal location, but that's not a must. What are some dreams or goals you want to accomplish in your life?
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Last week I didn't do a My Favorites Friday post. Things were kinda crazy (and still are) but I'm not as discombobulated this week. But, a lot of good stuff happened last week, so this is going to be a combined post from this week at last! 1. Campmeeting and NYI convetion! I love campmeeting. I grew up in Michigan and although our campmeeting is slightly different than here in Indy, I love getting together with fellow [Nazarene] Christians and worshiping. Plus, it's always such a good reminder of the Christian heritage we have. And, it's a great time to catch up with friends I haven't seen in a while! NYI Convention, which is basically a business meeting for the youth department on the Indy District, was great too. Although, I missed a lot of the meeting since I was selected to be on one of the ballot counting groups. Oh well. It was fun being with teens and youth pastors. We got to meet some youth pastors on the district and network some! 2. My girls have discovered sleeping in! Well, if 8:30 is sleeping in. Anyways, they're getting like an hour and a half more sleep than normal for the last 2 weeks. And although this has made me rework napping, I still enjoy getting a little more sleep.
3. GAME NIGHT! I'm so pumped about tonight. Some friends are coming over to recieve the worst Monopoly deal booty whoopin they've ever recieved. Plus, we're going to have grilled chicken, brats, fried corn and some other awesomness to eat. 4. I've mentioned it before, but the devotional book, Jesus Calling has been such a blessing to me over the last week or so. It's a great book, but it seems like what's written has been written exactly to me from God. If you haven't checked it out, you should! 5. Toronto in 8 days! The lists and spreadsheets have been made! I haven't really started on anything yet since if I packed now, I'd just have to pull stuff out of suitcases. And my parents will be here on Thursday, so if I did a deep clean now, I'd just have to do it again before they get here. So, on Monday, the cleaning starts in earnest. Aaron's got Wed (the 4th) off. So, hopefully, I can get alot accomplished while he's home to entertain the girls. And with my parents coming in early I'll be able to pack sanely since they can entertain the girls while I pack. Something about one of my kids being sick strikes fear into my heart. Older more experienced moms probably laugh at me. Thankfully I'm blessed and have healthy children. They don't get sick very often, so when they do, I have a moment of panic. I'm always concerned if I'm doing it right. Am I making it worse? Should they go to the dr? Should they go to the hospital? Should I do nothing? Hopefully we'll make it through childhood lucky, but heaven help me when one of them breaks a bone or something. I don't have any amazing biblical tie in for this, it's just mommy talk. Last week I started a series of sorts. I did a post about what God was showing me about Living Simply. My first post was about Seeing God. Funny part about that, God showed me that at the perfect time. I've really needed that over the last week.
Today though is Investing In Others. One thing God has really been showing me about living simply is that it's so much easier when I'm not focusing on what I don't have/what I want/what I think I should have if I'm focusing on others. One of my biggest prayers over the last few years has been that God would give me more of a servents heart. I've been praying that God would give me people to invest myself in for no other purpose than to show them Himself (God). Through the simple fact that Aaron and I are in youth ministry, we've been automatically given on average 6 or 7 opportunities for investment (our awesome youth group). But, ultimately, we need to ask God to show us 1 or 2 people that we can really pour ourselves into. Last week I started rereading a ministry book called Girls Ministry, 101. by Whitney Prosperi. I got it when Aaron and I first went into ministry, and it was a really good book. I decided to go back through it and refresh a little bit. One of the statments she makes really stuck out to me... We utilize our time best when we invest in someone elses life. In our day and age it's so easy to fill our time with stuff. And not all of it is bad stuff, but it's definitely stuff. We also have many many ways to invest in someone elses life. Social media makes it so easy for me to keep up with my youth group girls. Text messaging is easy too. All those things are great, but I do think the best way to invest in someone is to be physically present with them. I can facebook and text people all I want and still not be 100% mentally with that person. But, physically being with someone means time. I know that sometimes I hardly have time to think straight let alone fit in a coffee date or a quick ice cream trip. But when I do fit them in, I've never regreted it and I've never seen it as time wasted. Ok, so I need to be physically present with people, but what else? I've come to realize that the best way to invest in someone is to just speak truth to that person as often as you can. Be real, be honest, be open. Listen. Be understanding. Ask God to have His eyes. See that person how He sees them. One of the crazy things about investing is someone else is that I've learned more about myself. It can be scary. My life is a mess, how could I possibly invest in someone else when I can't keep my life straight. Honestly, because you never know if that person is right where you are. You could be helping them walk the same road you are. It's taken me a while to learn this lesson... I've NEVER met 1 person who's totally together. I've met so many women and thought, whoa! check her out! She's so put together, her family is perfect, her life is great. It's taken me maturing spiritually (a little) to realize that most people are just like me. Maybe not as spastic and unorganized, but no one is perfect. So, what that being said, God has showed me that investing in someone will take the focus off of how complicated I think my life is. I need to ask God to show me someone I can invest in and I need to see them through His eyes. I need to be willing to make time for that person and I need to be real, open, and honest with them. This is investing in others. Stepped on the scale today and I was somewhat nervous what the outcome would be. I have only been counting calories loosely the last 2 days and the weekend was somewhat of a total bust. So, I was thankful to see that there was no movement. I can be happy with not losing as long as I'm not gaining! I'll start up running for this week tonight. I kind of wish I wouldn't have waited so long to start this week, but I was going to do it last night and then I realized I'd run again on Thurs which is forcasted to be 103 degrees here. I know there are alot of people who run in that type of weather, but I don't want to if I don't have to! So, I'll start tonight so I skip tomorrow. I've really been battling emotional eating the last few days. I've been pretty stressed out and that leads me to either not eat or eat whenever I'm feeling frustrated. Crazy as this sounds, what has helped me is actually picturing Jesus sitting there in my kitchen asking me if I really need to eat that. Most of the time it's instantly obvious that I'm just eating to try and relieve stress (which never really happens). I mentioned in my post last week that I was somewhat concerned with our mission trip to Toronto. Now I'm pretty concerned. I called the hotel and they don't have any type of exercise room. I know nothing about the neighborhood, so I'm not sure if I can run there. So, if anything I'll be running around the parking lot. 2 of the girls in our youth group are doing summer gym for school, and they have to get 3 hours of exercise in during the week, so I figured that'll be good motivation for me too! Someone suggested we run the stairs at the hotel! That makes me cringe just thinking about it! The food is the part I'm worried about. We'll be eating breakfast at the hotel in the AM, so I can do oatmeal or something then. Lunch will be served by host families, so I'll be at the mercy of the families we're working with. Then dinner will be eaten out every night. I guess I need to do alot of studying up on what the best choices are for eating out! I've been thinking a lot about faith. Today I sat down to put my thoughts on paper and study some scripture to really try and work out the questions I had. I've been asking myself the last few days....
What does faith look like in my life right now? I've had these thoughts swirling in my head and today I was able to form a picture. Kind of. I'm a pretty literal person. I like instructions. Instructions with pictures. I like knowing exactly how something is supposed to look. I have a hard time with abstract things like "faith, hope, love". Those things are abstract to me. First, I looked up the word faith. Dictionary.com defines faith as confidence or trust in another person or thing, belief that is not based on proof, and belief in God or in the teaching of religion. Then I sat down and just started putting some things down in my journal in an attempt to make faith slightly more concrete. Here's what I came up with: (disclaimer: these things apply to my life at this moment. This isn't my suggestion to anyone else on how to have faith) 1. Decide what you believe about God. In any given day I have a lot of feelings about God. Infact, it would probably make your head spin. I'm an emotional person. I don't deny it. I came to that realization along time ago and decide that I need to embrace it (biblically). So, part of me having faith is deciding that I'm going to make the choice to believe God and what he says and not just leave my judgement up to my emotions. How do I do this? By taking God at his word. Isaiah 40:8 tells us... The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever. I could sit here and list out bible verse after bible verse about God's promises. I don't have time and you don't want to read all that right now. The fact is, God promised it and I have to decide I'm going to take him at his word and believe it regardless of how I'm feeling. 2. Being Honest with God. Remember how I said I was emotional? Well, I'm pretty sure I spent the years between age 12-23 being reigned by my emotions and that led to DRAMA. Part of it was spiritual immaturity and seeking attention from others that I could only receive from God, but the reality is every day seemed like the end of my life. (Funny, looking back on it, I would trade my problems today for anything I experienced during those years.) Anyways, during the end part of those years I was meeting regularly with one of my Pastor's wives. God bless her, she endured my endless chatter about all that emotional drama and then gave me the best piece of advice I'd ever gotten. Be honest with God. It's not like he doesn't know you're feeling that way, but he wants to hear it from you. Look at David in the Psalms- that's basically what the Psalms are. David is being totally honest with God. It makes me sad when I see Christians who give God this half effort unemotional recited prayers to God. You know how you feel and so does God, so talk about it with him! 3. Just Keep Swimming! I realized yesterday that the situation that Aaron and I are going through right now has been paralyzing to me. Satan has been using fear of the unknown, feelings of inadequcy, and my desire for control against me and literally my home life has come undone. Which only furthers the stress. I get up in the morning and all it's all I can think about. I've been dwelling on it. My dished haven't been getting done, my laundry is piling up, and the beds haven't been made. It has consumed me. I realized yesterday that chosing to have faith means that when I believe God and I am honest with him about how I feel, I have to keep going. I can't just stop moving forward. Ok, so I don't know exactly where we're moving forward to (or even if we're moving forward for that matter) but allowing myself to be consumed by my circumstances is allowing Satan to defeat me. James 1:12 says... Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. Just keep going! Just keep swimming! And one of the things I've learned over the last year is that this doesn't mean that now that I've made these things a little more concrete in my life that my struggle is over. HA! I wish. As I've just shared, Satan knows exactly where my weak spots are and he's persistent. I've learned that whenever I start feeling those feelings of fear and uncertainty, I just have to go through my steps again. An honestly, right now, it's 11 am and I've probably gone through them about 10 times already this morning. And ya know what, I think that's ok. For the rest of this story, see here, here, and here. Part 4 is the last part of our story. It brings us to the current time. (it's a little long)
In June of 2011, some of the leadership on the Indianapolis District changed. Almost immediately, Aaron contacted our new District Superintendant and scheduled a meeting with him. They had breakfast and our new DS, Dr. Blake, laid out a pretty clear plan of action for Aaron. Some of it was things he was already doing but Dr. Blake added a few more things he wanted Aaron to do so he would be ready for his next interview with the credentials board. For the last year Aaron's been faithfully fullfilling Dr. Blake's request and following his plan of action. Knowing that the meeting was getting closer we formulated a plan. We had already decided that if the outcome of this meeting was not favorable, Aaron would probably step away from ministry and would continue to persue something else. We discussed him going back to school and getting another degree that wasn't ministry related so he could get a better secular job. I knew that Aaron was in a better place than he'd ever been, and so was I, and our marriage too. We'd grown so much over the last few years. Walking through the wilderness together had changed our relationship. I often tell myself, if we made it through all that craziness, there isn't anything we can't walk through together. Knowing all this, I struggled with our decision. I didn't feel like the Lord was finished with us in youth ministry yet. The Lord led us down this path for a reason and giving up just seemed like defeat. But, we'd agreed that even if God's path didn't lead to full time ministry we were still willing to be used in other area's of ministry. In early May of this year, Aaron recieved an email asking him to pick a time to have his meeting. We agreed on a time and just started praying. I prayed specifically that if we had to go through all this again, that God would just give us the words to tell our story clearly, concisely, and in an unbiased way. The meeting was scheduled for June 2nd at 10 am. For the few days leading up to the meeting, it seemed like all we could talk about. We were anxious to just get it over with. I'm so thankful that during this time we were surrounded by many people that were so encouraging to us and that prayed for us. On Sat, June 2nd, we got up, got ready and headed to the meeting. I can honestly say, this day was probably one of the biggest days in the life or our ministry so far, but even still, we were both at peace. Answer to prayer #1. We'd been praying that we'd be excepting of what God's will for our life was. We pulled into the parking lot at the church, prayed together in the car briefly and headed in. We waited for a few mins and then they called us in. We met with 5 Pastors from Nazarene Churches in the Indianapolis area. Answered Prayer #2. Aaron and I were so much more comfortable infront of 5 pastors instead of the whole board, which is like 15 or 20 pastors. We sat down with them and they asked us the basic cursory questions- name, tell about ourselves and our family, etc. They asked Aaron a few questions about where he wanted to head in ministry, and then they prayed with us and told us the meeting was over. I didn't want to seem too obvious but I glanced over at Aaron like... wait, they missed something. We shook thier hands and walked out of the room. I. WAS. STUNNED. Not one single word was breathed about what had happened in North Dakota. We later found out that all the pastors on the advisory board new all the circumstances of our story and they decided that it wasn't worth Aaron rehashing. Answer to prayer #3 (a prayer we didn't even pray). We basically floated out of the church. Even though we didn't know the outcome, just the fact that God carried us through that meeting so effortlessly, we were elated and basically in shock. For the next few days we waited in anticipation. We tried to pull bits of information from other pastors that might have known the "verdict" but we got nothing. We prayed for patience. On Mon night, Aaron got online to check his email and this is what was waiting for him... Dear Aaron, It was a joy to have you interview with us this past weekend! I am honored to report to you that the Indianapolis District Board of Ministry has made a recommendation to the District Assembly for granting of your first district license. We may or may not have done a happy dance that was a few years coming. Thank You, Lord! The monkey was gone. I'm smart enough to know that our story is not over. It will never be over. God led us down this road for a reason. We had these experiences for a reason and even though I may never know what those reasons are there was a purpose behind all of this. As I've been sharing this story over the last month, I've had alot of people tell me... What a testimony! I guess I've never really looked at it that way. Up until last month, it was just part of our life. It was never something I considered sharing with anyone as something for God to use. If I had sat down with God over Starbucks in October of 2008 and he showed me the path we were about to embark on I would have laughed and walked away. But I'm so thankful that even through all the pain, anger, frustration, hopelessness, fear, you name it, God was faithful to us. Even when I didn't want to see it and even when I couldn't see it, God was there. Aaron will formally recieve his License in a special service on July 29th. It will be a day of much celebrating! It wouldn't seem right for me to tell this story and conclude it without thanking Aaron. I was somewhat of an innocent bystander in this story and yet I have acted like a victim over and over again. He's been patient with me, reassuring me even when I'm sure he didn't believe his assurances himself. He's been steadfast in working towards getting his license back and I'm thankful for his faithfulness. I know that He's questioned exactly what God was/is doing with his ministry but he never let it shake his faith. I love you, Aaron. I'm proud of you and how far you've come. I'm excited to be able to walk this road with you and just as I'll be standing next to you when you recieve that new license on July 29th, I'm excited to be standing next to you in ministry, now and for many years to come! Pretty basic week this week. I was able to do a big grocery shop on Friday so we should be set for the next week or so. My menu is pretty straight forward this week because I was feeling not creative when I made it. Mon- Chicken N Noodles. I'm making this to take to a family in our church who just had a new baby, so I just decided to make a double batch. Tues- Taco's Wed- Grilled Cheese has become our new standard on Wed. We have youth group so it's gotta be something fast. We used to get Chick Fil A because Wed is children's night so one of my girls would eat free, but until money loosens up, grilled cheese it is. Thurs- Ranch Pork. Easy easy. Brown pork cutlets, then simmer in 1 can of cream of mushroom and 1/2 packet of ranch seasoning until tender. Then serve over mashed potatoes. Fri- Brats. Sat- Grilled chicken. It's become a standard around here. It's good and it's easy! Sun- BBQ chicken. I don't normally schedule chicken one right on top of the other, but I'll just put this in the crockpot while we're at church and we'll be all set when we get home! Weekend Recap
What a weekend! We started out Saturday by heading to NYI convention for church. It's basically a meeting for some teens, youth pastors, and pastors. That was from 9-12 and it seems liked forever. Got done with that then came home and relaxed for a bit. Then we decided to head to the Fishers Freedom Fest. That was fun and the girls enjoyed walking around and playing in the park for a little bit. Sunday we had church and then immediately following, we headed to another church for a farewell dinner for our friends and fellow youth pastor, David and Kati. Yesterday was the last day at thier church and we wanted to be able to say goodbye. Then we came home and rested for a bit and then we had our church picnic at 6. It was alot of fun catching up with everyone and just hanging out. We left there and headed over to watch the Fishers Freedom Fest fireworks. I was really glad that Emmy enjoyed them. Last year she screamed her head off the whole time, but this year she seemed to really enjoy them. All in all it was a great week. Busy, but fun. I'm looking forward to relaxing some this week. Next week I'll really start gearing up for our mission trip to Toronto. It's coming quick! I know today is supposed to be My Favorites Friday, but when I woke up this morning, my emotional energy was already spent. I couldn't seem to form a complete thought, let alone write a whole blog post about 5 great things that have happened this week. Has there been 5 great things this week? Of course, and who knows, maybe by the end of the day I'll have the My Favorites post written, but right now there are bigger things on my mind. In the spirit of honest and transperency I value on this blog, I'm going to lay it out there. This is going to me a little more personal than normal, but I wanted it to get put down on [paper].
Today has not been good. I've struggled with God all day. I'm scared God, do you see us? Why is this happening? DO SOMETHING! Have you ever been at the point when you're just out of things to pray? There's just nothing else to be said really. Have you ever sat down intent on hearing God's voice and instead, heard nothing? Or birds chirping. Or horns blaring. Or your air conditioning running. Have you ever felt like you're sitting at the bottom of a dried up well? You can't go down any farther but you certainly can't get up either. If you're like me, your emotions are running wild. You cry, you get angry, you've got no patience with your children, your husband is the easiest target for your frustration. You want to eat about 15 duplex cookies. Not because they're good, but because they're there. You're just a big emotional, frustrated, tired, overwhelmed mess. On days like today, in situations like ours, on paths like this, there's only one thing I can ask from God. Truth. I need your Truth. I'm scared God, do you see us? El Roi- God is the God who sees. Alright, I'm giving it to you. Why is this happening? El Shaddai- God is All Sufficient. Alright, Your will be done. DO SOMETHING! El Gibbor- God is a Mighty God. Alright, I'm trusting you. Dear God, El Roi, El Shaddai, El Gibbor, Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for being enough for me. Thank you for being my Mighty God. Open my eyes to your truth. Open my eyes so I can see you today. I pray that your will would be done in my life. I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm hurting, I feel wrung out like a sponge, but I pray that you would empty me of anything that would keep me from being filled with you. Thank You for loving me. I feel like over the last few days, God has been presenting me with a challenge. Maybe not so much a challenge but more of a cleansing or refining. Earlier this week I was thinking about our finances (as I often do) and I was thinking about more things we can trim out of our budget to help ease some of the shortfall we have. And I felt like the Lord said... can you live simply? At first I was like... um, simply? Like... Amish? But then I felt like the Lord asked me if how I'm living now and what I have now is simple? Do I have a simple life? Honestly, I couldn't answer yes. But, I didn't exactly know why. I pondered this for a few days....
Then suddenly, it started coming to me. No really, suddenly. At midnight. I laid in bed with all these things God was giving me. I knew I was never going to remember them, so I hopped out of bed and started rumaging through the dark looking for a pen and paper (I woke Aaron from a dead sleep and he thought I was crazy). I got them written down, laid back down and closed my eyes. But, God wasn't done. So, here at I am at 12:09am writing out this blog post because I feel like I need to put down exactly what God is telling me. Living Simply are these 6 things in no certain order: S- See God I- Invest in Others M- Make Room for God P- Pray About Everything L- Live Limitless Y- Yoke Yourself with Other Believers I know it seems kind of crazy that these 6 things can lead to living simply, but I guess God is telling me they can. So, over the next few weeks I'm going to go through each one of them and how they apply to my life and how I feel God is telling me they will help me live more simply. So, no better place to start that right now! S Some of what opened this line of thought was the passage of scripture that was used in a sermon I heard tonight. It's out of 2 Kings 6:15-17... 15 When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked. 16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more I than those who are with them.” 17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. The servent was afraid. He saw that they were obviously outnumbered and immediately he asked "Oh no! What now?!" and Elisha's answer was pretty simple- Do not be afraid. How many times (even in the last day or week) have I said "Oh no, God, not again". Or "Oh great, God, how are we going to fix this?", Or even, "God, are you even there?". In the midst of the servents fear, Elisha prayed that God would open his eyes and he would see. And what exactly did he see? He saw horses and chariots of fire. Heck Yes! I've asked God for a lot of things. I've asked Him for money, I've asked Him for health, I've asked Him for love, I've even asked Him for forgivness. But if I just asked to see Him and see how he's working IN me and FOR me, would I feel the need to basically beg Him for those other things on a daily basis? Maybe what they says is true... Seeing is believing. If I ask to see God, maybe my life would be a little more simple because I would spend less time worrying about what I think God isn't doing and spend more time enjoying what I know He is doing. Today I'm asking to See God. This Week: -3 It is AMAZING to me how much weight my body fluctuates. On Saturday, I stepped on the scale and I was FINALLY past those 5 lbs I couldn't lose. Infact, I beat them by 2 lbs. So I was down a total of 7 lbs from where I started. I did nothing different for the next few days and on Monday when I stepped on the scale I was up almost 10 lbs! This mornging when I weighed, I was down 6. So, still past my goal by a lb, but seriously! It's crazy. If I can't beat this water weight fluctuation, it's going to be a LOOOOOOONG road. With that being said, I know I'm not drinking enough water. Infact, I'm not really drinking any. I haven't been buying any pop (or soda) because the little money we have needs to be spent on other groceries. So I haven't really been drinking anything. So, I know I'm not helping the problem. So, my goal for this week (now until next Wed) will be to get all my water in! Since technically I hit my first goal, I'm setting my 2nd goal. Aaron's going to be recieving his district license at a service on July 29th. My goal is to be down at least 10 by then. Doesn't sound like a steep goal, but our mission trip to Toronto is thrown in there. I'm not sure how we'll be eating so I'm not positive how much control I'll have of my diet for 7 days. So, this might be a little tough. Also, the hotel we're staying at doesn't have an exercise room, so I won't have a indoor place to run. The neighborhood might be ok, but I won't know that till I get there. I might just end up running around our hotel. I can't afford to skip a week of training! I love that saying! It's truth. Even if you're not running marathon's at record breaking pace, you're still doing something! I try and remind myself of this while I'm training. (Image pinned here)
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HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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