In honor of keepin' it real, I've gotta tell ya- this is a HARD place to be. When Aaron and I decided that we wanted to move forward in our marriage and we wanted to address the issues we were having, $$$$ was in the top 3 of the list. Once we were able to be objective and look at our financial issues as a team instead of as adversaries, we were able to iron a lot of things out. We decided that we needed to be regular about tithing instead of just giving when it felt comfortable enough money wise (which usually worked out to be hardly ever). And we also decided that we wanted to be more open handed with our money. We know that we are blessed when we give. Not necessary financial blessings in return, but blessings none the less. We started seeking out opportunities to give. We just never realized God was going to take us seriously and create so many opportunities for it.
When Aaron got the job at the post office, we were thrilled because it was so much closer to home and it was WAY more money then what he had been making. We felt like God was finally answering the prayers we'd been praying for years! I'm not going to lie when I say that I had a few "not so happy with you" chats with God when we found out about the pay cut that would change that "WAY more" part to pretty much equal to before. But, this was familiar territory. We'd walked this road before.
I've come to feel that perhaps that's the point. We'd walked this road before. Rather unsuccessfully. It was something that Satan used to tear Aaron and I apart. It was something that broke down our faith. Is this perhaps God giving us a second chance to walk this road in faith? Trusting that God will provide for us? God hasn't told me that in plain English and he hasn't added a Bible verse that spells it out, but I get the feeling that, perhaps, that's part of it.
But, that doesn't change my struggle. Sometimes (read more times than not) I get scared, I get frustrated, I question why. I beg God for a money tree. I confess all my sins in hope that I'll be good enough for Him to answer my prayers. I cry. I feel like a bad mom because we can't do dance classes or gymnastics. I try and reason with God. Because waiting is the absolute hardest thing for me to do.
God promised me he'd never leave me or forsake me. He promised me that he has a plan. He knows every hair on my head (and knows how much falls out due to my stress). He knows my fear. He loves my kids more than I could. And, despite it all, he still loves me. Even when our bank account is seeing red instead of black. Even when I feel like a failure as a mother. Even when I'm angry because I feel like he's not coming through fast enough. Or doubt that he will at all. His timing is perfect. Even if I think he's late.
Thank You, Jesus for loving me in spite of all my shortfalls. Thank you for knowing every detail of our situation. Thank you for caring about me so much that none of my concern is lost to you. Help me to trust you. Give me peace. Still my soul. Remind me always that you are God and you are mighty to save. Even when it seems as if my head has gone under.
Maybe you're not dealing with a financial situation right now. Perhaps it's something else that you feel God hasn't dealt with fast enough, or hasn't dealt with at all. Hold fast. Be honest with God. Tell him your fears, your frustrations. But hold fast. There is a bigger picture being painted that we can't see!