I honestly don't recall if I've shared this or even a snip it of this before, but I'm going to do it again anyways. After taking up running, doing 2 races, and losing about 30 inches and 20 lbs, I was absolutely scared to start this process again. I wrestled with it for a few weeks before deciding it was time to get back to it. I'm coming out of some very dark days, and not to place blame or make excuses, but I do feel like they had to do in large part with my weight loss. Even though it was good in itself, caused me to become extremely self focused. It started so innocently. I was getting healthy. I was feeling better. And slowly but surely, it turned into me taking control over my life and gaining a confidence I've never had before. Accomplishment. And those things are all good, but not when they aren't done in God's name and as an act of worship to God.
I've been a Christian for 25 years. I grew up in church. There were times in my life when I was in my church building more than I was in my own home. I went to private school for 12 years, then went to private college for 4 years. I married a pastor. I know the Bible. I know theology and doctrine. I know about God. In fact, on a very educational level, I could probably write a book on how our body is a temple. On how living a healthy lifestyle is holy and pleasing to God. But just because I had that knowledge didn't mean I had the desire.
I got caught up in the weight "I" was losing. I got caught up in the fact that "I" was making myself feel better. I got caught up in the fact that "I" was accomplishing all this. And as my focus turned to myself in the area of health and weight loss, it also turned to myself in my marriage, as a parent, as a friend. I started feeling like... I'm becoming a better person so I deserve better.
Now having the grace of God covering me in this area, having sought forgiveness from God and my husband and family, I can see all that. Hindsight. And that hindsight was the exact reason I was so scared to start over again. I did and do still feel like I'm walking on a narrow cliff. It's a steep climb and the edge is very close. And off that edge is that same stinky pit of selfish confidence and ambition that I just crawled out of.
I would covet your prayers as, for the first time in my life, I submit this struggle to God daily. I know that I need to be healthy. I know that I need to live a lifestyle that is pleasing to God. I know that this is the body He's given me and I'm a steward of it. And I'm also learning that all things are possible with God. That I was created for more than obesity, selfishness, and discontentedness. I hope that for those of you seeking to live out a healthy lifestyle and/or lose weight and exercise that it wouldn't be a self thing, that it would be a God thing.